Seven Holiday Rules to Live By

1) First guest who mentions the words, “Trump” “Hillary” “tax bill,” or “health care” over the food it took someone hours to prepare and cook, has to wash ALL the dishes, and serve up dessert.

2) If you’re a vegan, let the hosts know ahead of time. If they give you a hard time, bring your own food. If they give you a hard time about that, go where you’re appreciated next year. But if you’re made welcome, DON’T talk about the evils of eating defenseless animals.

3) Anyone who directs the following questions to any of the guests, should go on the naughty list and not be invited back:

How come you’re still not married?
Do you really think you can make a decent living doing that?
Did you gain weight?
How in hell could you have voted for that assh*le?

4) In the same vein, if you can’t think of anything else to ask the children in attendance besides, “How do you like school?” (DUH. They don’t. ) don’t say anything to them, or try the following:

Who do you think is the better superhero — Superman, Batman, Spider-Man, Black Widow. or Wonder Woman?
                         or
What’s the last movie you’ve seen that you really liked? Do you think I should see it? (Say this even if you’ve seen it.)
                         or
What do you know about – dinosaurs, gorillas, or ships?  Teach me one thing about (one of these) I should know.

5) Cellphones at the dinner table make you rude, boorish, and BORING.

6) NEWS FLASH: Your religion might not be my religion. Don’t assume. And if you want a homogeneous guest list of only Christians or Wiccans, ask before subjecting a guest to a dinner party that serves as a method of indoctrination.

7) Derogatory opinions about minorities, sexual orientation, or feminists should be kept to yourself. If you do this at my house, I will pack you a doggie bag and send you on your way, at once. If you don’t leave gracefully, I’m within my rights to report you as an intruder and have you arrested.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

 

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