Just this one holiday…
Forget that times are hard and that you don’t have the money to buy what you want, wear what you want, go where you want. Instead, remember that every holiday is another chance to have fun, to be happy, even with the less- than-you-wish-that-you-had. And having fun under tough circumstances proves to you that you are brave enough to thumb your nose in the face of hard times.
Just this one holiday…..
Give yourself a break. If you don’t want to bake it, buy it store-bought. If you’re too busy to send cards, send emails. If your house is not “clean enough,” let it stay that way, because it will need cleaning just as much after the holiday as before. If you forgot to order it, whatever ‘it’ is, get something else. If the light bulbs don’t all light, or your family is complaining, ignore the less-than-perfect shimmer of both your group and your tree. There is no real way to make things and people “perfect,” so revel in not being able to “fix’ everything and everyone.
Just this one holiday…
Take a nature walk with your young children/grandchildren/nieces and nephews. Point out all the changes that winter has brought, and then tell them how things will look so different in the spring.
If you have teenagers not wanting to participate in family activities, don’t be offended, be sympathetic. Remember how hard it was—so hard—to be a teenager.
And the children misbehaving in the shops? Don’t be annoyed or impatient, not with yours, nor anyone else’s. Surely you can also remember what it felt like to be that young at this time of the year?
Just this one holiday…
Smile at everyone you see, say, “Happy Holidays,” and mean it. Ignore the traffic. Instead, use the time sitting in your car to listen to all your favourite music. Sing those songs out loud. Let the people in the cars next to you see you. So what if they laugh? Laughing is good.
Just this one holiday…
If your grown children can’t visit, say, “It’s all right, honey. Don’t worry. I understand.” And please, say it like it really is alright. Otherwise, tell me—what closeness do you hope to gain to your children by making them feel guilty?
Just this one holiday…
Don’t fret if the “numbers are wrong,” or “it’s only supposed to be family.” Invite a friend or a neighbor who you know has nowhere to go. And when you do invite them, say it like this, “Please spend the day with us, it’ll be so much fun!” Not, “You’re welcome to spend the day with us—if you’d like.”
Just this one holiday…
Look your spouse straight in the eye and say, “Honey, I absolutely love this. It’s perfect. Thank you.”
Just this one holiday…
Really and truly think about all others on the planet who won’t have an imperfect holiday, or any holiday at all. Think of our neighbours in India, and the losses they’ve recently suffered; think of all the suffering everywhere in the world, and remember, no matter how bad things are, if you’re reading this, you’re luckier than most.
You’re lucky. Embrace it and celebrate it, just this one holiday.
*For my friends everywhere, but especially for this year, in Mumbai.
This is so perfect. May I steal it and send it via email to my family and friends?
I would be honored.
Raises mug of chicken soup and says Hear! Hear! I wholeheartedly agree. (is that the right ray to spell the cheer? or is it Here, Here?)
I think it's "Here Here!" if you have a mug of hot chocolate in your hand, but "Hear, Hear!" if you're holding chicken soup. So, you were correct!
; D
LOL, I am so glad that I chose the right spelling, I would hate to spell it wrong and end up being misunderstood, lol.
THANK YOU! People are too focused on the materialistic side of the holiday season anymore. It's just stuff!I talked to one of the managers at the Yankee Candle out here and she said so far, this has been the nicest start to the season in the 6 years she's worked there. 6 years! Ridiculous. (She thinks people are nice because the economy is so bad…sadly, she might be right)
I shall make every effort to follow your advice and to spread it around. Happy holidays.
Wonderful post! You always have such insightful things to say. My fiance and I were actually talking about how times are tough, especially now during the holiday season. We are planning our wedding and he will need to begin paying school debt in a few months. We decided that this year instead of exchanging gifts we are going to go volunteer together somewhere. That way, we can spend time together (which is what the holidays are about right?) and give back to the community and people who need more help than we do right now.Thanks for the great post to put things into perspective.
No, this is perfect. Did you by any chance watch Shrek the Halls the other night? Same message. A message that everyone needs to hear.
Perfect sentiment for the season. But QoFB is wrong – this is more like "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" [1] than Shrek. Christmas doesn't come with bows…John[1] The original with Boris Karloff, not the travesty with Jim Carrey.
But QoFB is wrong Excuse me? I just watched them both back to back on Monday. Shrek was trying to make a perfect Christmas and missing the whole point of the holiday. The Grinch was trying to ruin everyone else's holiday. It's Shrek she's telling us not to be like. Not the Grinch.
Thanks Patricia. It's a good time of year for such a message. Especially with all of the suffering this year in the US, and everywhere else in the world. Take a step back, let go, and just be happy to be alive and with people you love. I'm going to try to tuck this away and remember it when I get stressed out or feel the pressure that invariably comes with the holiday season.
I love this Patrcia. 🙂
Not to be pedantic ( 😉 ) but I always thought it was "Hear! Hear!" (ie, short for "Hear ye! Hear ye!").
Homonyms are confusing sometimes…The two I always mess up are 'prinicpal' and 'principle'
Maybe they're being nice just because they are feeling hopeful about our country these days…..At least we can hope that's the reason.
Happy Holidays? I thought "Happy" was your brother, Grumpy. (hee hee)
Happy holidays to you, too.
Wow! It sounds to me like you and your fiance already had a brilliant perspective on things! Both of you have your priorities straight which bodes well for your marriage. Best of luck and have a wonderful holiday.
Thanks, Queen. I haven't seen Shrek the Halls, but I love the Shrek films. I'll check it out.
These are pretty good. I've done a low-key Christmas for years.
Boris Karloff's voice was perfect for that story…..Thanks for stoppping by…
Uh, oh, This sounds like a squabble brewing. And right before Christmas, too. I hope Santa isn't listening, you two. ; D
or feel the pressure that invariably comes with the holiday season.
I think because I grew up in a home where there was nothing but unpleasantness for this holiday season in particular, that I make it a point of discipline not to put pressure on anyone, or to feel pressured myself. To me that just contradicted the whole idea of the season, and I made a vow not to put my children or husband through what I've seen others put their families through. Thanks for stopping by, prairieplains.
Thanks very much, Empress. And the 'hearye' bit is interesting to know, too!
Many people enjoy their holidays that way. I like mixing it up – one year low key, one year splashy. This year we have 'splashy' We've got all the kids coming here at once, and this is such a big thrill for me to get to see them all at one time, and to also be the one who gets to cook and host the family, I'm way too excited about it all! : D
Patricia,I commend you on your different way of celebrating christmas,but alas if anyone in my family read your new way they would think your crazy. They live for cooking and cleaning the house so you could eat off the floor. It doesn't matter if there low on money,and they were when I was young but they always went out of there way to get me great presants. I guess they still live in the 50's and will never change,but I don't care what they do,Im going your route,Ive been through 48 christmases and they come quicker every year,Im treating all my little kids I know to a great christmas and the adults will hear from me not to get me anything,Christmas is made for kids anyway,im printing your story and giving one to the heads of my familys and ill write you telling what they had to say,I think you'll get a kick out of it Craig
Great advice! Every year we get the guilt trip from thje mother in law that we aren't there for long enough and she never gets to spend her son's birthday with him. He's 35 this year for god's sakes and he lives a 900 mile round trip away. She has perfected the guilt trip over the years and every time she pulls it it drives me mad. This year I will attempt to smile and pretend I am having a good time at their house. When his drunken stepfather shouts over everyone and watches the wine bottle with an eagle eye to make sure he gets more than everyone else I will smile and grit my teeth. When his 36 year old sister throws the inevitable tantrum and shouts at me or him I will do my very best to hold my tongue and not make the situation worse by shouting back at her and telling her she's a spoiled bitch. I will really try. Can't guarantee success but I will definately try. Thanks for the advice, wise as always! You should make an advice recording that people can put on their iPod, then when they are having another disastrous trip to the inlaws they can just put it on and be reminded not to shout at anyone and demand that they want to go home.
A timely reminder as I'm freaking out about the last few wedding details (having actually managed not to be really control-crazy until now). Displacement activity, much?!Every so often I stop myself and think: I have people to love! Even better I am loved! I have so much luxury I'm worried about getting fat, and so much warmth I complain about getting cold. I am the luckiest person on Earth.And although it's sometimes hard to count one's blessings, it's still worth doing. As often as possible!
Is that your hubby with the santa cap?
If so he looks cool.
I don't think this advice is a one-size fits all. Vic. In the case of your in-laws (and I remember reading about last year's Christmas of Horror with them, too) I would keep as far away from those people as possible. We don't get any extra cash in our pockets or years on earth or any other rewards, if we subject ourselves to a holiday from hell. Wise choice to live 900 miles away. (sigh) When is it your turn to spend the hollies with your side of the family?
I have to admit, I am SO excited about your wedding. I can't wait to see photos!!
Good to take a reality check, but a little freaking out is acceptable, you know. It's a very big moment for you both. : D
Why, yes, it is and thank you. He is way cool. G. ( I suspect that like you, he may be a Martian, too, though he's never admitted it.)
I will be sure to get them uploaded as soon as humanly possible! I think freaking out is inevitable… but you can get carried away with it!
Wait- I have my coffee in hand now (it's 7 a.m. here) I'm coming over there to visit and see what you've been up to….
He surely does look Martian…it's the red shirt…a dead giveaway with us Martians I'm afraid.
You guys make a hot couple. Both look good and have a brain. Lucky you both!
Aha! The Red Shirt- I should have suspected!
Seriously, I really appreciate the compliment about my husband. At 54, he is in better shape than most thirty-year olds, and yet, he doesn't make a big deal out of it. He does it for health, more than vanity. I also love his open mind and world view. When I introduced him to some friends in Greece, one of them gave me the compliment of pronouncing him "the most open-minded American he'd ever met." I'd have to agree. I think the two of you would really like each other. You're both such peaches.Who knows? Perhaps we'll all get to meet someday.
[isto é bom]
That would be very cool. Seriously, since I had a flash of satori at about age 23 or so when I looked at a photograph of a guy called John Kehoe on the back of a book he had written called Mind Power I have thought I often can tell about a person's character just from pictures. And your hubby and you both look like "Martian approved" people. If you are ever in London you're welcome to stay over, I only have one spare room but if in addition to you and hubby you also have your large and "non-CO2 footprint compatible" brood with you, as long as they are not fussy about sleeping on clean floors we're bound to find a spot out of the rain for them.
Yeah, I know what you mean about the health thing. People who do it for themselves are the ones who end up being the healthiest.
Uh, oh, This sounds like a squabble brewing. And right before Christmas, too. I hope Santa isn't listening, you two. ; D Well, at least we've already exchanged gifts between the two of us so Christmas won't be a total bust! 8:-)
Lot of people out of work, layoffs making the papers in 5 digit numbers. Holiday spending down, prices going up, economy going down and a new gov't going up. All over it seems people are being forced out of their comfort zone. People are uncertain what the future will bring while at the same time rediscovering and readapting to changing conditions. I am glad you wrote what you did. People need to understand that its okay to step out of the warm fuzzy comfort zone and consider new ideas 'just this one holiday'.
I love this!
Hmmm. I was thinking maybe a little coal for our friend, John. ; D
Then again, I should talk. I've been pretty haughty this year.
Well, the important thing is are they happy at the holiday, or do they make themselves crazy and everyone else by getting things 'just so?' If they have fun and others have fun, that's all that matters. BTW- You do not look anywhere near 48 years old. I had you figured for in your early thirties….
Mrs. Peel, I feel the same way. When I started blogging I had no idea how much I would enjoy it and the lovely people I would meet from all over the world. Your personal strength and good will toward everyone has been a continual source of inspiration for me, not only personally, but in my writing. Thank you and Sarita both for being my 'neighbours.'
We extend the same offer to you, G. Sincerely. : )
Super interesting comment.Thought=provoking and astute. Thank you. Do we know each other through LaidOutinLavender? She is a fabulous photographer and going over to visit your blog, I see you are, as well. It amazes me the talent I get to see here on VOX. Thank you for stopping by.
🙂 That's neat.
We Martians are such cool people…now help me annex this planet will you….I mean we're on opposite points of the planet almost…we practically have them in a pincer manouver!!
I know, I know, but as an Earthling by birth, my loyalties are still divided. Sorry, I'm still undecided about where my allegiance lies, with Earth or Mars, and that's been a great source of stress for me.
G: I have a quest on bringing Patricia to London.
Thank you for those kind words Ms. Davis. Without a doubt, Lavender is a tremendously gifted person. However, it was you who first commented on something I shared with a lady called Beauty. I had read some things you've shared with others, comments that somehow stand out. Although I held no real hopes that you would consent to being a friend, I nevertheless asked for the click. To my surprise, you agreed. So I kept returning to your blog where I would read your thoughts, your commments and consider what you share with others. Many times I thought to leave a comment, but I would see that there were already 75 to a hundred comments. You're a person of wide influence and with a depth of intelligence that draws witty, intelligent observations. I'm just not in that class so I never revealed any comment on your blog.
I thank you for taking the time to look at my blog. I hope you and your Santa will have a most enjoyable holiday and may the New Year bring with it a promise of all things possible.
(Sigh) The problem has become that with so many delightful neighbours, I can't always keep up with how we met and/or leave comments on everyone's blog as much as I would like.I apologise for that
But the fact that you read my blog is a great honour to me, truly. Every time someone leaves a comment on my blog, I feel that same honour. And I always think about everything everyone says here, and I don't consider one comment or neighbour more important than another, because I am lucky to have met so many talented, warm people here on VOX. So you must feel free to write whatever you'd like. In fact, I look forward to it.
I know this is a particularly hopeful holiday for you, and I will be sending my good thoughts so that all turns out as you wish.
LOL! With interplanetary allegiances, we will drive the Homeland Security Forces insane!
You're a lot more optimistic than I am, lol!
(Sigh) Not really. Just trying to be….. : )
Patricia,I really liked your idea on christmas but I must confess even with the crazyness and monk like cleaning its still a fun time,even with the arguments but mostly with the children.
Uh, oh, This sounds like a squabble brewing. And right before Christmas, too. I hope Santa isn't listening, you two. ; D Nope, no squabble. I thought about replying but decided that it would merely provide you with a great example of how not ot behave during this season… <wry grin>As for the coal – that's a great present for a geologist!John
Hehe alright
Really? The cleaning is "monk-like?" Must be a very clean house! ; )
It sounds like you love your family and you have fun. I think fun is good, yes?
Damn…I need to talk to your hubby direct….!!
As long as we WIN 🙂
(We Martians tend to be results obsessed like that!)
Oh yeah,I walk in the door and say misses Monk you outdid yourself this year,she hates that saying, then I play and torture the kids,eat,play numbers games on who gets what for christmas,take a nap and im gone. all in all its very satisfying. And I knew you were going to rib me on the Monk statement,I was testing your sense of humour and you passed. You got your husband and book deal so im not going to say I hope you get a great preasant because you have two already.Maybe a dust pan with a small broom,that joke came out of a monk episode bet you didn't know that.
I watch 'Monk' a lot. I lov ethat show, I remember the dustpan and broom. But you know what? I thought you meant real monks. LOL!
Watch it, Mrs.Peel, you may be forming an unholy alliance with this one! ; D
LOL
by the way,as Tired Working Mum suggested (and what a great suggestion!)I have now translated this into Spanish and Portuguese (have made a few changes here and there to adapt to our way) and forwarded as an email..
OH, MY GOSH! I have been out of the house all day and I returned home to read this lovely message. Bless your heart! May I have a copy of the translations via email? I will post them on my website and put your name on them. Thank you very much, Mrs. Peel.
:)this one holiday – i'm hibernating inside a cozy chalet in a little Swiss ski town and reading several books while Steven gets his ski on:)i hope you have a wonderful holiday, Patricia
Do you realise how insanely jealous you have just made me, N? I have got a 'story and a half' to tell you and the other writers about the mag, but I have to wait one week more…
I would love a rest, but it's not in the cards right now. Still, I have every intention of having a happy holiday…
You too, I hope, dear.
Patricia, should you show up on my doorstep at any point in the future, i would be very, very pleased:)i know! – you keep saying that there's a story about the mag – and i'm fairly chomping at the bit to know all about it! – so, i'm going have to forget about it for right now!well, it's very strange to say, but having zero good friends (except for one couple and their surly 15 year old son) and family around has contributed to this year's quiet Swiss chalet Christmas/Holiday (which actually includes afore mentioned family, who are staying at another chalet)the practically uninterrupted reading is really what i'm looking forward to – likely no internet – so, you know – FORCED quiet and hibernation from the world:)
Have I really already said that about the mag? I've got to write it then.
One Christmas, Hubs and I blew off the entire family, including our kids, (we can do that without traumatising them because they are grown and probably didn't even notice, anyway) and we went on a holiday just us. I thought I wouldn't like skipping out on Christmas, but I LOVED IT. This year it's a completely different story however. We've got everyone and then some coming to our place and I'm looking forward to that just as much. "Variety is the spice," etc.
Next year we get to spend actual christmas day with my lot but every single year we are expected to visit the nutters either for christmas itself or a couple of days later. Every damned year. I dread it beyond words and it wrecks the whol festive season for me. I'm kind of hoping that it kicks off badly again this year so that next year I can legitimately refuse to go. I wooldn't even mind not spending christmas with my other half if it meant not having to go and visit his family. It's not as though any of them ever visit us. His mum adn stepdad come and stay with us on their way down south to catch ferries but not actually to visit us. So sod the bloody lot of them.
This sounds like a hideous way to spend a holiday. May I be so blunt as to ask—why are you doing it?
Thank you so much for your amazing and uplifting message. I don't know how, but this was EXACTLY what I needed to hear this year. My parents have been encouraging my brothers family and myself to cut back on Christmas this year. Then encouraged us that they don't want us spending tons and tons on gifts, and requested small thoughtful items instead. (We are both paying of Grad School Debt and starting out in our different careers.) My parents are both so generous and have helped me out so much with nice things, scaling back on their gifts this year makes me feel ungrateful. Anyway, I LOVE being generous, and have been feeling like tightening up my purse strings for this Christmas seems to ruin the excitement of giving a great big expensive gift to those I love. I felt cheap and miserable about it until I hoped on over to your blog, and I am glad I did. Thank you for the reminder that Christmas and this season is about being around the ones you love, being excited that everyone gets to relax and have fun together without the stress of everyday life going on around us. It is not about what great gift you were able to manage. Thank you for the reality check. I hope your Christmas is amazing and that your family enjoys being together during this special season.
A lot of people ask that! Ths answer is that he has been brought up with this utter lunacy and so is utterly immune to it, it just doesn't occur to him that for someone who has been brought up in a family where tantrums don't happen and wouldn't be acknowledged even if they did, it is incredibly stressful. It's awful, I utterly dread it every year but I've not got the balls to tell him I can't stand it. He's aware that I'm not exactly thrilled by going but has no idea just how badly I don't want to go. I'm making this year the decider though, if it kicks off I'm going to refuse to go next year. I'll go visit with him in the summer sometime and make that my annual visit rather than christmas. And if his sister starts on me again she'll get a piece of my mind as well. She's not used to anyone giving her grief back, they all usually just cower the minute she starts shouting. Well not me, I don't give a toss and if she throws a strop she's going to get told exactly what I think of her behaviour. She's completely mental – she's accused him of attempted murder twice, once on the phone and once in the middle of a street in Edinburgh. Nutjob.
I'm so glad you liked it, Kristen. I know your parents mean it when they tell you notto fuss. They know they are lucky to have such a loving daughter who's made them proud and that is really gift enough for any parent, believe me.
To be frank (and stick my nose in where it doesn't belong) I'm not sure you are doing him any favours by not being kindly honest, but firm. I am not sure he would want you to be so unhappy making this sacrifice for him, if he knew.
In addition, have you any plans for having children? If so, do you want them subjected to that sort of dysfunction on a yearly basis? I'm 52 years old and my childhood was light years ago, but I still remember miserable Christmases every year brought on by a rampantly bi-polar, highly dysfunctional family group. And many middle-aged adults I know who experienced crappy holidays still flinch at the words, "Happy Christmas" Not only that, some of the relatives who were children along with me now carry down the annual traditional of going stark raving looney tunes the second the calendar shows "December 25", bringing their own children (and spouses) to tears. It's one of the reasons I make sure I don't subject my husband or my children to that sort of nightmare. We maintain a pleasant atmosphere and we surround ourselves with only pleasant people. I now realise it took me way too many years to liberate myself from the misery and angst which came wrapped up in a big Christmas box labelled "familial obligation." It was the gift that kept on giving and I presented it to myself every year the same way Ayn Bolyn presented her neck – with stoicism, resignation and grace. But, nobody noticed what the punching bag was feeling. My body and spirit literally unclenched for the first time three years ago when I finally decided I was finished with it once and for all. Now, there is not one single person coming to Christmas dinner( or in my life year round, actually, now that I think of it,) who I'm not looking very much forward to seeing. I don't have enough time left to waste on emotional vampires who literally suck all the energy out. Best decision I ever made.
God, your christmases sound just like the ones at his mother's house. It is utterly tortuous. So, last night after we'd have a few glasses of fizzy champagne I thought I'd tell the truth. Unfortunately what little tact I possess deserts me after a couple of glasses and it might have come out a little more bluntly than I intended. I did manage to convey the message that I liked his mother but I described his stepfather as 'a drunken, lecherous twat' (which he agreed with), told him that spending time with his sister was like 'walking across a field full of landmines with your eyes shut – you know the explosion is going to happen but you don't know when' (which again he agreed with) then I went on to describe christmas at this mother's as 'cruel and unusual punishment' which did not go down at all well. Ah well, it's out there now. I can't believe he hadn't realised that coming from a family that has such a good laugh at christmas, going somewhere that involves shouting, tears and stress might not be my idea of the perfect bloody yuletide. But we have now come to an arrangement – if it kicks off at christmas this year, which I don't doubt it will, I don't go again during the holidays, I'll do my annual visit during the summer. He's pretty pissed off that I'm not looking forward to it but my dread of the visit has now overtaken my natural aversion to pissing off the other half and I no longer care. If his stepdad and his sister weren't there it would be great, his mum is good fun, but they are there and I can't do anything about that so sod it, i'm not playing the game any more. If I don't do something about it now this pattern is going to be set and I'll still be having the same moan in 20 years time.
Oh, I absolutely agree with your last statement. .And okay, maybe you might have been a tad too forthright in some of your descriptions, but if you have to amputate, it's best to be quick about it rather than draw it out. Anytime you have doubts, reread the chapters about me and my ex-mother-in-law. I felt like she was removing my heart each time she came over, and it was a process that I allowed her to spread out over a period of years. (shudder) Horrible.
Best wishes throughout the season Patricia. May love and happiness be in the hearts of all others that surround you. Thank you for all that you have done this year, you are a beautiful humanitarian and philanthropist. x
Michelle,
I feel doubly so about you. Not only have you a caring heart, but your artistic talents wash everything around you in beauty. Thank you for all you do and all you are….happy holiday season to you, too.