As this year comes to a close, here for your edification is a recapitulation of the major events that took place in 2015, according to USA social media and mainstream news sources:
1. Horrible sh*t is happening in Syria. The USA wants to help, but it has its hands full trying to successfully navigate the civil war escalating between Nicki Minaj and Miley Cyrus.
2. Greece becomes the first advanced economy to miss a payment to the International Monetary Fund in history of the IMF, prompting the Greek Prime Minister to call for some strict austerity measures, which included the mandatory removal of the gold fillings from the teeth of all its citizens.
3. Pandemonium ensued in the international financial markets when the Swiss National Bank abandoned the cap on the franc’s value relative to the euro by replacing it with chocolate coins encased in gold foil.
4. American actress Jenny McCarthy reintroduced all formerly eradicated diseases, including smallpox to the country. This turned out to be a good thing for some, because…
5. …in a turnabout play, the Cherokee Nation and several other major Native American tribes handed out their old blankets to the general population in a combined effort to help rid the USA of all unwanted immigrants.
6. FIFA President Sepp Blatter and Russian President Vladimir Putin joined together in a number of “peacekeeping missions” across the globe, effectively causing several major earthquakes in the Hindu Kush region.
7. Ireland becomes the first country to legalize, by popular vote, funny memes about Pope Francis.
8. Cuba becomes the first country to eradicate mother-to-child transmission of HIV and syphilis. (This really happened.) In response to this spectacular news, Obama opens the way for U.S. drug addicts and prostitutes to freely visit the Caribbean island nation.
9. In an effort to combat terrorism, the United Nations Security Council adopted a resolution that all Black women, everywhere, should carry guns and know how to use them.
10. The battle heats up for the candidates running for the Democratic presidential nomination, as they continue their ongoing debate amongst themselves over where they should purchase a new email program.
11. All we heard about Australia is that it still probably has kangaroos and Johnny Depp’s dogs.
12. The nation is collectively shocked and disgusted by Donald Trump’s hair.
13. We finally get a female superhero. Supergirl comes to the small screen, and millions tune in to see her fight crime and bemoan the fact that when she was twelve years old, she was sent to planet Earth, where the only female action figure girls have to play with is Hello Barbie.
14. SpaceX lands a Falcon 9 rocket, the first reusable rocket to successfully enter orbital space and return. On its way back, it encounters Harrison Ford, looking supremely bored as he reprises his role of Han Solo in the seventh installment of the Star War franchise.
15. And finally, Hurricane Patricia becomes the most intense hurricane ever recorded in the Western Hemisphere, flaring up with particular viciousness whenever one of her kids phones to ask for money, or her editor debates her usage of the Oxford comma.
Leave a Reply