In Memory of Gregory Randall Davis
May 9, 1983 – January 29, 2002
What does it mean to go from being boy to man?
As a former high school teacher and a mother of five sons and stepsons combined, I’ve witnessed many boys struggle with that question. Some figure it out, others never do and remain in a limbo – an ‘adult boy,’ stuck in a time warp of adolescence, where ethically, spiritually and intellectually, the centre of his universe will remain forever anthropocentric; where he will never figure out how to look beyond himself, what his role in society is and how he can make the world a better place just by his existence in it.
In The United States of America, where I live, society is not geared to guide our boys through this effort. At its best, it relegates this important life passage to a period labelled “teen,” which has become a synonym to adults for a time period in a human being’s life that’s met with condescension, irritation, derision or treated as though it’s a sickness that will eventually pass. And at its worst, the media here paints a vivid picture for a boy that to be a man means to lie your way into money or power (“thank you,” Enron executives, “thank you,” George Bush), wear flashy clothing and behave with the opposite sex as though they are tasty pieces of barbecued chicken (“thank you,” hip-hop and gangsta rap), and/or pick up a rifle and blow yourself or somebody else up (“thank you,” John Rambo).
In American society, a boy who is eighteen years old, can vote for the next leader of the free world or go fight a war that leader designates. But he cannot order a beer to enjoy with his pizza. That’s a privilege the law reserves for when he’s twenty-one. Is this the only Rite of Passage we offer our young men, then? Go to a bar and get pissed, legally – it proves you’re a man, at last?
Since there are no formal rites of passage and few mentors offered by society to help navigate the path to manhood, boys band together to create their own. Sometimes this has disastrous results that parents, even devoted, loving ones, can be helpless to prevent.
How do I know?
Today is January 28. It marks the sixth year anniversary of the evening my stepson, Greg, along with 25 other boys, set out on his own rite of passage, devised by other, older boys, the heads of the fraternity ATO, for which Greg was “pledging.” He never returned to us. On January 29, in the afternoon here in California, we got a phone call from a police officer who was standing in Greg’s mother’s kitchen in Colorado, that Gregory was dead. I was the one who took the call. I was the one who had to tell my husband that he would never see his son again.
How did it happen?
Despite rules that forbade any initiation rituals to include automobile trips or travel off school grounds, the president and vice-president of the ATO fraternity at Occidental College in California, sent twenty-five freshmen ‘pledges’ on a road trip to Las Vegas. They were to return to the college with “proof” that they’d made the trip. Though the act of putting twenty-five boys into five cars for a road trip of that duration and then to specify a length of time within which they had to return, was a recipe for disaster and though this particular fraternity were already on probation with the college due to infractions against pledging rules, the alumni of the fraternity, grown men over forty years old, who were aware of the planned trip, turned a blind eye to it.
“We did this sort of thing all the time when we kids and nothing ever happened,” was what one said.
The other cars made the trip to Las Vegas and returned safely. The car with my stepson in it did not. They left the university at nine o’clock that evening, after baseball practice, for more than eight hours of driving at a reasonable speed to Las Vegas and back, with intentions of arriving back at school in time for an eight a.m. class. The lunacy of the plan was intensified by the fact that they did not switch off drivers and the driver hadn’t slept for more than thirty hours previously before they began their trip. He was drinking Red Bull, a drink that contains caffeine and sugar and is sold as a combat to mental and physical fatigue.
And that’s the irony. When the boys were found, no alcohol or drugs were in any of their systems, but the driver had been chugging an energy drink to stay awake while he sped back towards school. The Red Bull didn’t work as he’d hoped. The other four boys had already fallen asleep, (though they’d promised him they’d stay awake) and the dark, long stretch of Interstate Fifteen lulled him to sleep, too, at the wheel.
I will spare you the catalogue of injuries, except to say that Greg was the only one killed and though the driver suffered the least physical damage (a broken arm) the harm to him was as lifelong as was the physical damage to some of others who survived, because he and others will always remember he was the one who drove.
And was he to blame for this accident? He was nineteen at the time. Or maybe it was the driver’s mother’s fault, as she herself believed? It took my husband and me months of communication with her afterward, desperate emails and letters that she sent, begging for conviction against, or vindication of, her mothering skills to convince her we did not hold her or her son responsible.
What about Red Bull? Should Red Bull be held responsible for its zippy adverts that promise one drink will help you grow wings on your feet, the same way Popeye’s can of spinach helped him beat Bluto?
What about the fraternity itself? The alumni? Or Occidental College, that knew the fraternity had previous infractions, had placed the fraternity on warning for them, but had not let the parents of the pledging freshmen or the freshmen themselves, know that the fraternity was on probation? There was certainly some blame there. But when Greg’s mother and several of the other parents sued them, (mostly as a warning to other parents and as way to defer some of the astronomical medical bills incurred by three of the survivors,) they were told that the school has ‘immunity’ and that the insurance the fraternity retains for accidents has an exclusion for any accidents which occur during initiation rituals.
I was there when the lawyers told Greg’s parents that. I was also there when one of the same lawyers asked Greg’s mother, “The jury will wonder if you were at fault. Why didn’t you know where your son was going that night?”
And I wanted to hit that lawyer then. I wanted to hug my husband’s ex-wife – how’s that for another irony? – and tell her, “I know you were a good mother to Greg. All your sons are bright, enthusiastic, loving and respectful. They didn’t get that only from their father. You helped with that. I know that with my whole heart, just as I know you will always think about the question this lawyer just asked you. But what eighteen-year-old boy worth his salt would tell his mother that he was embarking on a dangerous quest? Wouldn’t that defeat the whole purpose?”
But, I could say nothing. Just like I could say nothing during Greg’s memorial service, when his father and brothers did their utmost to choke back their tears. Just like I say nothing every January 29 since, when I sit home next to my husband and we both think back, wondering if it could have been prevented, wondering if we should call our other sons or if they will call us. Wondering if they will watch the Super Bowl together, without Greg, just as they did for the first time, six years ago.
And wondering what Greg would be doing now. He was extraordinary probably only in that he was ours. But he was a good student, hardworking and he was sensible. Believe it or not, he was very sensible. He had a terrific sense of humour like his dad and he loved his brothers,even if he did sass them too much now and then. He loved his parents and he was a devoted friend. He was a top-notch pitcher and that’s not wishful thinking. The baseball team at Occidental will never know what they missed when he didn’t make it to play with them that year.
He is missed by everyone who knew him. He will always be missed.
*The title comes from Robert Bly’s poem by the same name.
I can't imagine the lingering pain that this must leave. To lose a son at such a young age…..from something so silly…..
We have discussed your step-son before and now I finally am able to hear the whole story. I am so very sorry for your family's great loss. I think the loss of what could have been is the biggest loss of all. Your pain is echoed in your words and I feel in my heart.
Its interesting how people like to throw blame and responsibility around, especially all those who like to toss blame at other people….like that lawyer….rather than accept some responsibility for contributing to the environment that led to such a tragic event. Its the attitude of these people that creates this environment and leaves the door open for this. Its like responsibility is a hot potato. When are colleges going to realize that they are part of the molding of young people and are responsible to them in such a degree? They aren't responsiblity in totality but they have a duty to them in some degree.
"Our lives begin to end we become silent to things that matter." ~ Martin Luther King jr.
I also agree with you about those lack of rites of passage and mentors. It saddens to me no end. I think some older men turn a blind eye because they think that certain things will toughen up these young men. To use a female analogy/example (because I am female and so are you), I remember when I had one of my early female "rites of passage" and I would get the most god-awful cramping that would almost cripple me it hurt so much….I remember my mom had no sympathy….zero. She figured that she went through it and that's just the breaks. I personally cannot imagine treating my daughter like that if she went through that….and plan on handling that much differently should I be blessed with a daughter. My point is that sometimes handling something the same….just because someone else went through it and lived….is not always the best example…..or the best mentorship. I believe that the younger generation should be able to stand on the shoulders of the previous generations experience….so they can see further, go higher, and accomplish more. But a lot of the older generations seem to want everyone to start at the bottom which is why we never seem to see any progress.
Its such a shame that enough "good" men are willing to do nothing.
"All it takes for the forces of evil to take over this world is for enough good men to do nothing"
Tears are streaming down my face. What a beautiful telling of such a heartbreaking story.
Its such a shame that enough "good" men are willing to do nothing. – foxydeethere aren't enough, apparently – and most of the "good" ones, have no backbone to stand up to stuff like thisthis is so tragic – and so needless – i feel very sad for all the families involved – i'm so sorry you were one of themthis mentality – we all know what would have happened if one of the boys had stood up and said – "this is stupid, reckless and a really bad idea"i think it's crap that older men turn a blind eye to this – this kind of behavior doesn't turn boys into men! – how could it? – it's just a vicious circle, isn't it?
What a heartbreaking story. I'm so sorry you had to live through this.
oh, gosh… there is nothing so heartbreaking as losing a child. i have seen how difficult it was for my parents when they lost my older sister. my heart goes out to you and your husband and your family… xox
What a tragic story..I am sorry for your loss. I do believe however that when young people are taken it's to teach the rest of us something important…Greg has done that…Through his death better choices will be made in the future…He's a hero.
Laurie
oops! sorry….I screwed up the MLK jr quote in my comment. It should be:
"Our lives begin to end when we become silent to things that matter."
Thank you for having the courage to post such a story of heartbreak, and its aftermath. To lose a child is every parent's nightmare. I honestly don't know if I would ever recover. I suppose you do. You must. Life is a perilous journey, and we deal with that hard fact by shutting out of our minds that it is. We must, otherwise we would never step outside the square. Yet, step outside the square we must if we are to progress. We are especially vulnerable when we are young. That is why we look to our peers for guidance, not knowing that they are taking baby steps to adulthood as well. And tragically, sometimes we fail.There is nothing to be gained by apportioning blame (except in a legal sense). If we must apportion blame, then we should blame life itself, for it is brief for all of us. But if we are going to do that, then we must also give thanks to life for the happiness that Greg brought to those he knew. And it is just possible that he awaits us in another universe. I hope these words are of some comfort to yourself and your family, Patricia. My thoughts are with you on this day.
I heard this story of NPR recently about success in changing how fraternities act. Perhaps there is some solace in knowing that there are people out there trying to make things better so no one else has to know your family's loss.
Patricia — this is such a tragic story. I'm so sorry for you and your husband. I think back to my teen years (more high school than college) and think of all the incredibly stupid things that I did — and it gives me chills to think how many times I "dodged a bullet". I will think of Greg a lot today.
Thank you for sharing this.
There's so much about your comment that I loved, that's it's hard to know where to start. Its like responsibility is a hot potato. When are colleges going to realize that they are part of the molding of young people and are responsible to them in such a degree? They aren't responsiblity in totality but they have a duty to them in some degree.
We learned later that the baseball coach knew about the trip, also. I always wondered why the lawyer asked Greg's mom where her responsibiity was when she lived 1300 miles away from the college. I know at the age of 18, you hope your kids wonlt do such a crazy thing. But everyone I've spoken to, who's older(and one or two people who commented) said they did the same stupid stuff when they were in college. I feel that the college should have stepped in or his coach. BTW-after the tragedy,they closed the Occidental chapter of that fraternity. It's always after something happens, never to avert it.
I know what you said about your own rite of passage is true, too. We should be able to stand on the previous generation's shoulders. That would move things along in a better way, but too often, it's the same old method. I think this is why, when the methods are really poor, dysfunction runs in families for generations, until somebody has the sense and the courage to do things differently. I know when you become a mother, your children will be lucky to have such a wise parent,though.
We knew what you meant. I can go in and fix it, if you like.
I've thought of that dozens of times. Why not pull over and just sleep for an hour or two? What were they thinking? I meant it when I wrote he was a very sensible lad. He wasn't swayed by peer pressure and would be the first to say, "that's stupid," when someone suggested something dumb. We learned he was very excited about the new fraternity, liked the boys in it and really wanted to go on that trip, which they all thought sounded like fun. My only guess is he didn't see the holes in the plan, perhaps didn't know that the driver was exhausted before they started out, or simply trusted his friend to stay awake. One of the boys in the car said exactly that. "he said he could stay awake, so I trusted him.You always trust your friends." I also tink the driver probably thought he could stay awake. Ironically it was only a year later that another son, said the same thing in another ridiculous situation that coud have also cost him his life."I trusted my friend." I think it's their age and that male bonding thing combined. I read that our brains are not completely developed to assess risk until we're 25. This is why so many accidents occur with young drivers, etc. It's not because they are inexperienced drivers, it's because they have no fear? It makes some sense, I guess.
Thank you for your thoughts. They mean a great deal to us.
I hope I didn't upset you too much with this post. It was something I'd been needing to write about for a while, but I worried it would disturb the other mothers I know. It's so hard when we have small children to hear stories like this.
I did not know you lost a sister. I am so sorry to hear it. That must have been terrible for you, too. I always wonder what Greg's siblings feel about this. I know they worried about their parents more than themselves when it happened.I hope this post didn't disturb you too much. It was one I felt I should write and I had a hard time doing it, but I also worried about how other mothers would deal with it. It's the hardest subject to think about when it comes to our children.
It was very dear of you to make this comment. I hope this is true. I know that after the death, Greg's mother managed to get the fraternity to agree to show a tape of the incident at future initiations as a warning to new pledgees to be careful and not do anything rash. If it saves just one life, that would be helpful to know.
i was only about 9. it was rough. but i know it was much harder on them than it was on me… it was a beautiful post. i know it must've been hard for you to write. thank you for sharing…[also, completely unrelated to this post, thanks for the birthday wishes 🙂 i appreciate them]
No it was okay… it's scary to think that our protective powers as parents only goes so far… it's hard to stomach that you can't control what happens outside of your little cocoon. I will just have to learn to put them in God's capable hands and hope that they are protected when I cannot be there. Hugs to you and your family having gone through this. His life and memory carries on through you and his brothers…
I found your comment to be the most comforting of all the thoughtful comments, because it is the truth with no bark on it. We make decisions every day that could inadvertently cost us our lives. No sense thinking like that or else it would be paralysing. When you have children, you want a guarantee of their safety for your own sake as well as theirs. I've always said that the love of family and friends makes us strong,but to be a parent and love a child makes us vulnerable. Yet, would we give up the joy of the having had Greg in our lives, just as so not to experience the pain? Of course not. Thank you for writing, Snowy. It's always appreciated.
I'm very sorry for your family's loss.
I've never entirely understood the fraternity pledge thing, but I guess I've seen my fair share of peer pressure… obviously, looking back, you can see how foolish what you did was… but only if you actually survive long enough to look back, of course.
Yes, Chris, there is. My husband and I went over to the link that you posted last night. The timing for him was perfect, my dear. I appreciate your thoughtfulness in letting us see this, very much.
Having you to think about and care for, eased some of their sadness, I'm very sure. You must have been quite the little girl, too. I'm coming over to your blog later to read about your birthday adventures. I assume you've posted them by now?
I think that's true for many, my husband included. Now I understand why my parents kept such a tight rein on me. Not the best way to do it, but it assured them of my safety, I suppose….Thank you for commenting. It's appreciated.
Thanks for commenting, Tom. I have to catch up with your story installment today, I look forward to reading it.
I do know what you mean about fraternities. In this case, Greg was on the baseball team. Baseball was his passion, in a way I can't even describe to you. When he got to Occidental he learned from the other players that the entire team was with this particular fraternity. To be with his baseball buddies would have been way too tempting to turn down. Also, his older brother was in a fraternity at Redlands and he really enjoyed it. I think Greg was hoping to be part of a group he enjoyed and having some fun. My husband often says if they had made it back without harm, we probably would never have even heard about this trip until years later. He woud have scolded him then for taking the risk, but when all end's well…well, you know. In this case, it didn't.
I thank you and Iagree with you. But hearing it from you gives me strength, because I know you are no stranger to some very hard knocks in life, too.
What a beautiful tribute to your son. I am so sorry for your family's loss, and how needless and preventable it was. I hope the memory of an extraordinary young man continues to bring you comfort as the years pass. Certainly, you bringing his story to us keeps his memory alive and honored by all of us as well. Thanks for sharing something so personal and poignant.
You are welcome. I wanted to mention also he has such a sweet and handsome face… truly a loss to the world.
well, they decided to have more kids after my sister was in that accident (also car related) so they were pretty busy. hehe. my bday adventures weren't that exciting. hehe. but i did have a good time 🙂
That's a nice comment, too. He was the one child who looked almost exactly like my husband. Except my husband's eyes are blue.
How many siblings do you have? Well, you did have that great anniversary just a few months ago, so….I guess every celebration can't be as spectacular as we would like. It just makes the ones that are more enjoyable, then. I'm just finishing up answering my mail and then I'll read about it on your blog…
i have a younger brother and sister. my sister was born 10 months after my older sister passed away. my brother was born almost exactly a year after that. i guess that was their way of mourning? i don't know… oh, don't get me wrong. i had a great time 🙂 and i appreciate all of my friends who showed up. and just everything 🙂 steve is fabulous to me 🙂 i wasn't complaining at all! 🙂
I don't know if you've ever seen the film, Run, Lola, Run. In it a young girl dies. But, the ending changes several times as each event that takes place before her death is altered just a little. My husband and I thought about how this death was truly a series of unfortunate events. So many mistakes combined added up to too many. One mistake was where Greg was sitting in the car. He was in the middle of the back seat between two others and had only the seat belt that goes around the waist,not the shoulder strap. That was a factor in his death, and there were so many other little things that added up, too. I appreciate that you left this comment. I wasn't sure if it would make me feel better if I posted this or worse, but people's comments and caring have really helped.
No,no. I didn't think you were complaining at all. I knew what you meant.
It could have been you parents way of mourning. I know I got pregnant deiberately with my son after my ex's father died. We thought that would be a way to bring some joy into the mourning family. It did bring us joy, but it never replaces the person who is gone. They're always loved and always missed.
So you wnet from being the younger sister to the oldest child. That much have been a challenging switch for you. I am eleven years older than my brother, too.
oh good. i didn't want to sound like some kind of ingrate. hehe.just recently, my mom claimed that she and my dad wanted more kids anyway and the timing of it made it seem like they had the two kids to "replace" my sister. i don't know if that's true or not. even though i went from being the baby to being the oldest, it wasn't much of a switch. to be honest, i am still daddy's girl, even though i have a younger sister. and even before the siblings were born, i took care of a lot of stuff. my sister never believed in babying me. she made me walk to the store (in a not so good neighborhood), she would have me make ramen (over a gas range. can you believe that?) when i was 2. hehe. and even before she died i was making lunches for my mom to take to work… things like that. so it wasn't that much of a switch, i guess. hehe. what's your brother like? i wonder if he's anything like mine. hehe.
You always sound like you appreciate your life and you family. No worries there.
I can't believe the experiences you had with your older sister. Of course, she was a child too,when she was having you make noodles. So, that excuses it, I suppose. I just realised we are placed in our family hierarchy's almost identically. My sister is three years younger than I and my brother eleven. I had a lot of responsibility for them growing up and I hated it. My sister hated it, too and it took me years to relate to her like she was a person instead of just my younger sister. Sadly and for many reasons, I don't have a close relationship with my sibs or my parents. Let's see…how to I describe that family? Think Martin Scorsese meets Freddy Krueger and it describes my life growing up and the adults in it. I never liked it, but some family members embraced it, for whatever reason, and see it as perfectly normal. As much as it saddens me, you really have to avoid people like that, even if they are your relatives. To do otherwise was very hard on my spirit and well-being. I tried for many, many years, but eventually gave it up and I am much happier and healthier for having done so. I wish them well, though.
i know… she was just a kid, too… it's crazy because i always think of her as being so much older, but she was only 14 when she died! i'm just NOW starting to relate to my sister like she's my sister and not my kid… if my brother would start showing some maturity, i might start seeing him as a brother, but instead i just see him as a big ol' dumbass. hehe. is there really any such thing as a normal family? i doubt it. hehe.
is there really any such thing as a normal family? i doubt it. hehe.
Amen to that.
I'm guessing your brother is probably the same age as one of my sons. If I'm right, don't hold your breath on that maturity level coming along any time soon.It takes a while.
Wow. Your sister was fourteen in a car accident. Oh, that's terrible. My heart goes out to you and your parents. What you must have all experienced at that time….
Patricia,
I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful stepson. i look at my son, who already is toughening up, in first grade. There is perhaps a biological difference between men and women. Still socialization is a fluid thing. Think how much freer men are educated to be with their feelings, at least in some homes and schools. Look how women's roles have expanded. Where will we be in fifty years?
I will have to warn my son to run the other way from hazing. I remember dodging the bullet too. One night, fifteen years ago, I woke up and the median strip was coming toward me and I thought "Why is the strip moving.?" Luckily in my high state, I had taken my foot off the accelerator and was drifting. Luckily I woke up. Could've been different for me.
Thanks for your well-written and thought provoking post.
Lucy, holding her nursing daughter
Patricia, this post is a poignant and beautiful dedication to your stepson. I thank you for sharing his story with us, and I am very sorry for your loss.
too often, it's the same old method. I think this is why, when the methods are really poor, dysfunction runs in families for generations, until somebody has the sense and the courage to do things differently.
I think the challenge with a lack of mentorship or communication between adults and children/young adults is that most adults dont' realize or don't know how to relate the benefit of experience.
A lot of times mentorship is guiding someone through the minefield that you have already walked through. Some people may say just avoid it altogether…but sometimes you know they will go in there anyway and not tell you. So, why not just tell them where not to step if they do go in there? We were all young people once….we know we pushed boundaries and did things behind our parents backs that they told us not to do..so why do we think they won't too? As kids, we stayed quiet because we feared judgement and harshness. Sometimes we just gotta realize that they have to walk their own path….BUT we need to instill in them good values and judgement…..and the best map we can draw of where not to step in the minefield……..for those times we know they will push the envelope.
I am not trying to create a would-coulda environment here, but my example of this is if those boys had told me what they were doing I would told them they were crazy….BUT if they really felt they wanted and needed to do this, then I would have told them to be responsible to and take care of each other on the crazy long journey……to work in 4-5 hour shifts of 2 sleeping, 2 awake (1 driving)…..to have food and drinks on the journey…….that you are a team and that arriving safe is the ultimate goal…..and if you run into any trouble to call me and I will not judge.
I remember when I turned 21 and was still living at home, my mom took me aside. She told me that she considered me an adult now BUT if I could just let her know where I was or if I wasn't coming home, she would not judge but it was just for her peace of mind knowing I was ok. After that, I communicated with her more about stuff more than before I was 21. I know she wouldn't approve of a lot of the stuff I as doing….but in knowing she wouldn't judge me and just wanted to know I was safe…..it kept that door of communiction open. I see a lot of kids shut the door on their parents and other adults because of judgement.
I loved Snowy's comment. There is no blame……but we can definitely not let his death be in vain to some of the glaring issues that need to be handled differently. We owe it to Greg and all the other kids out there not to be silent.
I keep looking at his picture. He was such a handsome guy….with such character in his face and eyes.
My husband and I talk to our sons constantly. In fact, I often wonder if I do it too much with the youngest one, especially when he was going through some inner struggles, because he backed away from us emotionally for a while. Because his biological father is very old-fashioned and has a different idea of what children "owe" to their parents, at this point in my youngest son's life he was receiving more phone calls from relatives than the guy who wins the lottery and keeps getting hit up for money. We were never judgmental, we just let them know what we'd been through, what we held true, yada yada yada. You know, Foxsy, sometimes they just don't want to hear it. They really think they know better. And I'm helpless against that,because I know I was the same way, too. I would listen, but I wouldn't hear. If my mind was made up, the last thing I would listen to was any reason, no matter how non-judgmentally it was delivered, not to do what I wished.
Greg in particular had what my mother-in-law, sisters-in-law and I call the 'Davis stubborn streak'. I know, even with my husband, I can say something once and only once. After that, it's labelled 'nagging' and he's not listening anymore. So, I say it, I hope it sinks in and I walk away. Greg was eighteen years old, thousands of miles from home for the first time. He was a boy who saved frugally, did not use drugs, wore a helmet whenever he was riding his motorcyle (another thing his mother tried to talk him out of) has some of the most solid friends of all our sons. One of them still has Greg's photo in his house and carried it with him all thourgh college. And yet….
He'd sent his dad an email only a few days before. He talked to his mother two days before the trip, asking if his cleats had arrived yet for baseball. He never mentioned to either of them that he was pledging, he never mentioned Las Vegas. Because he knew we'd worry and knew he was going to go, anyway. Our counsel wouldn't have stopped him.
You know, when that phone rang six years ago and I heard the words, "killed in a car accident, I missed the first name at first. The last of our sons I would ever have expected to be in a car accident was Greg. I had to ask the policeman to repeat himself.
That's the point. We have been over and over our behaviour as his guardians to see where we'd been remiss. He knew well the risk he was taking and yet, he didn't see the danger. Somehow, he must have assumed he'd be safe. He made an error in judgement because he wanted something so badly that it cost him his life. This accident was a wake-up call for me. I learned that no matter how diligent we are,what we've taught them, we cannot prevent our children, once they are away from home and are of a certain age, from putting themselves in harm's way. Their assessment of that is always different than ours.
After the accident, you would think that the other four would be more careful, wouldn't you? Not so. I wish I could describe to you how agonising this can be for us. As much joy as I've have received from being the mother/stepmother of all five, the worry is equal, because I am powerless to do the one thing I am always compelled to do – protect them. They go through a period of time, say between ages of 15 and 24 where you don't know from one moment to the next, how they they will eventually be as grown men. Sometimes they make such great sense and you see all the hard work you've done as a parent bear fruit, other times they say and do such assinine things that you wonder if that one glass of wine you had when you were six month's pregnant, caused fetal brain damage.
Do I feel more responsible for the one who is biologically mine? Yes. Do I love the stepsons any less because of it? No. I see them as part of my husband, who is part of me. That means five children to worry about, five children to fear for and five children to give me joy. Many days, most days, the joy is worth the sorrow, there are a few days when I'm not so sure,although I know that's diminishing oxytocin levels brought on by perimenopause talking.
I wish I could know what Greg was thinking that day. We asked the other boys and they all said the same,they thought it would be okay. It was fun and they wanted to go. I hope Chris is right that things are being done to change fraternities. I do sometimes wonder if this death made any positive difference at all. I know it sure as hell made a negative difference to us. It's a tough day to go through every year since then and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing it with us.
Thank you Lucy. Your comment was uplifting. It's true that things are changing for the better. I believe that too. My best wishes to you and your little son and daughter. : )
Thank you for visiting today and your comments to us. They are appreciated.
I thank you from the bottom on my heart for sharing such a painful and fragile part of yourself with us. And I hope I haven't upset you with my comments….because that is the LAST thing I want to do. And I did not mean to infer that you and Pete were anything less than great parents. You have shared lots of things through your posts and I have always thought you guys were awesome parents who had good relationships with their kids. If I were younger, I would ask to be adopted! 🙂
I hear ya that kids will do what they want to do and turn a blind ear. We all did that, too! Part of what I meant by communication is listening. I remember being a kid and feeling that I just wasn't being heard. Nothing shuts down a kid faster than the feeling of not being heard. A lot of parents talk/preach….but don't listen. Sometimes there is a lot of talking and words, in both directions, but not a lot of listening and hearing the real messages. I remember shutting out my parents with the "you just don't understand" because they just wouldn't listen and I felt so alone. And just because I was stubborn, and I was, didn't mean I wasn't listening. I wasn't processing but I was listening. I still hear my mom's voice in my head…..and some things she said eons ago have come back to haunt me when I finally GET them and smack my head and go "duh". Not all of us are quick learners! 🙂
"when you lead a horse to water, your job isn't to make him drink….its to make him thirsty."
But in the long run, I know that its not all perfect….and its soooo not a perfect science to getting it right. You do your best and hope for the best.
The thing I find with a lot of adults is that they forget what it was like to be kid. Its almost like we have memory loss or something. When we forget, we can't relate. When we can't relate, we can't build a bridge. Most adults would have not said anything about the car trip because their adult common sense would have told them they would be ok because the adult would have known how to handle such a crazy trip (spelling off drivers, etc.)……but what the adult fails to process is that a kid or young adult does not have the same experience and thus the same "common sense". I know that kids don't always listen but if more adults, in our kids lives, stepped up the plate more often….certain messages would stick. Unfortunatley, most people think they are interfering rather than caring.
It is tough because you can't protect them 24/7 and make all the right decisions for them. I know that we all make mistakes everyday that we curse then laugh about later. We live and learn, we say. But sometimes that is not the case. I feel sad that your son had to pay the price for his and other mistake in judgement…..but I certainly hope that others can learn from his mistake and make positive changes so that other parents and families do not go through what you all have gone and continue to go through.
This is another one of those conversations that I wish we were having in person over some beverages. ((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
What a lovely person you are. I, too, really wished we lived closer and could have this conversation over Peach Bellinis before we start our twelve week programme next week! You haven't upset me at all. I always know your heart is in the right place. My words were more to share exactly what you said, "it's not an exact science," but I sure wish it were.
My problems as a parent have come from several areas. One is that I literally had no teen years. My parents were very strict. Not allowed to babysit, no overnight trips with the school, etc. etc., and it kept me very naive for a long time. This overprotection ended up doing more harm then good to me personally. I had no experiences with which to gauge people and I learned many things later and the hard way. As for my sons, I sometimes cannot relate when they talk about stuff. For example, when my youngest son told me in high school he was going to a party,I thought, "Great, this shoud be good for him. Music, friends, snacks and a few make-out sessions." My husband on the other hand, grilled him until I learned what he already knew- drugs, alcohol, no parental supervision and sex with any female who's handy and says 'yes.' That's what a party is. You would think since I taught high school I would know better. I think this was my weakness as a parent, but my strength as a teacher. I always believed the best of my pupils, and somehow they lived up to my image of them for the most part.
On the other hand, my strength as a parent is that I am not afraid to show my love for them or my concern for them. My husband is sometimes, as you say so afraid he's 'interfering' that he won't say anything to the kids even when I know they want him to. So we play to each other's strengths. He points out things I am missing and I point out when he should get involved, even if he's not confortable doing so.
The divorces made things hard for my husband and me as parents, too. There are two other adults in our children's lives and we sometimes work against each other. You always hope that won't happen and you'll have that congenial co-parenting divorce, but if the person you are divorcing were that easy to get along with, you wouldn't be divorcing in the first place, probably. I had guilt over my divorce and remarriage and so did my hubs because he could not live with his children fulltime. I don't know about him, but this affected my parenting skills for a while. Guilt always does. Then there was fear. We lost Greg just as the youngest was starting to rebel and I was afraid to stand up to him for about a year after that death. I kept thinking, "if I fight with him, it might be the last time I see him." It took a while, but we are all back on track now. No loving relationship, whether with chldren or with a spouse is ever without its trials. I do know that if you can honestly be sure deep in your heart that the other person, be it a parent, child, spouse or friend, means you no harm and has a generous, loving spirit towards you, you can overcome many relationship obstacles.
Sure, we'll adopt you! We've always wanted a daughter. We don't care about your age. As long as I get to buy you pink things. I've never been able to do that for a child. It seems to me you like pink, too. ; D
*hug* What a horrible thing that happened! What bothers me is how these sororities and fraternities have these "rites" to get in. I started thinking about one of the well known pledge deaths that happened here in CO. Gordie Bailey having to drink a bunch of alcohol to get into his frat and dying because of it. Yes, part of it was bad judgment on his part, but the other part was his frat doing an illegal and stupid initiation thing. Why they don't start safe but fun initiations is beyond me. I hope these kids learn one day
Initiations into fraternities and sororities used to be doing community work, making some sort of a contribution to the university or town, society itself; now it's how much you acn drink without dropping down dead. I hate it, too. Thank you for your support. It's appreciated.
Patricia,
I had to come over here and make sure I left you a comment…I was almost positive I had but when I looked I couldn't find it. This usually happens when I get interuppted by the phone or a teenage crisis while I'm commenting and don't get back for awhile…My mind thinks I've replied when I haven't.
Anyway..all of that to say how very sorry I am,..I have a theory that young people leave us because they were sent on a special mission here . I'm not sure how it happens. Wheather it's a decision that young souls make before they ever come here or if there is a Higher Power that decideds it for them or if it's just a my accident but have you ever noticed that when a young person dies suddenly we pay attention and become more determined to right the wrong that caused the death? The death of a young person shakes us up and makes us sit up and take notice it hits us to the core of our being and causes us to be determined to change things so this doesn't happen again….So maybe…just maybe these special heroic angels are sent to fill our lives with joy and love and to wake us up and make us aware of the personal choices we make every day and how those choices are like a stone tossed into a pool…The ripples go on forever. Your post is a good example of that..Gregs decisions that day are still teaching others.
It may seem that your stepson died needlessly way too early…but his spirit lives on thru your posts and the lessons he is teaching us and the potential lives he is saving a year later.
Laurie
Actually you were one of the first people to leave me a comment on this post and it was very much appreciated, as is this perspective. I know what you're saying and I agree that we do sit up and take notice when someone young dies. I hope what you're saying is true that someone young reads this and thinks twice because of it. Thank you for caring so much to come back and visit again. I think I'm very lucky to have met so many caring people here.
Had to wait until I was ready to read this. Now I find myself without words and having to wait some more before I can respond.I'm so sorry for your husband's and your loss, Patricia. Much love to you both.
Your caring means a lot to us. Thank you.
Ohhh You mean I'm not crazy and I actually did finish posting the first time!?!!? LOL…I sure didn't see it! I finally figured out how to find "Recent Activity" and saw where you replied the first time too!
((( Hugs))) For being tolerant of a redundant ADHD'er! LOL
I just love that grin on Greg's face, and I'm so sorry that every parent's worst nightmare was true for you. Thank you so much for sharing this. I heard somewhere, oh it was probably on Oprah ;), that those we lose shouldn't be defined by their death, but by the life they shared with us. I liked that idea. I know for a fact that no matter what they're told, boys (and girls, for that matter) will count on their invincibility and hare off on an adventure without a second thought, even the sensible ones. It never occurs to them that something could go wrong, it's just a fun thing, right? I know how helpless it feels to watch one spiral into recklessness no matter how much they're loved and looked after. I know that I will never know everything that my boys have done because they think they're protecting me from worrying too much. The best I can do is give them all of what they call the "Fussy Mother Lectures", and then let them go. And I always whisper, when they drive away, "angels guard thee, and bring thee safely home." They don't know that, because then I'd be overprotective…..
Tolerant? I liked hearing from you twice! It showed me how much you cared. Thank you.
Beaner,
I wish I could describe to you how much this comment meant. It was incredibly comforting. After Greg's death, when people were able to manage it, I asked everyone to write down their favourite memory of him. Even some of his college friends took part and some sent us photos (like the one of him smiling, above) that we hadn't seen. Putting this together in a bookand making copies for all, made me see that even though he had a too short life, it was a happy and productive one and he made his mark. Thank you very much writing.
pink? I like some pink things but not many. I like purple and blue. But I do like doing girly things, though! :p
Actually you feel more like an older sister since you aren't that much older than my own sister…….and decidedly less wacky, which is a good thing! LOL! 🙂
Oh, I just assumed that because your blog is pink, you liked pink. But I can do blue, or purple. All three probably look great on you. I can do the older sister thing, too. ; )
You're welcome. Wow, they used to make contributions to society?
Yup. That was thier original intention. You had to have good grades and be a stellar citizen to get into a fraternity or sorority. It was even something you could put on your CV after graduation. Now they are illegal party houses and the schools who are not legally liable, just ignore what's going on. I get sick when I thinkabout it. My husband found out after Greg's death that we lose approximately 15 students per year to country-wide fraternity initiations.
I was matching my blog to the pink Foxsy logo….and to my original banner. I have tried other blog colours, but the pink seems to be the most cheery for me.
You would love one of my hubby's co-workers….she has everything, and I mean everything, in pink! Her dream car is a pink Austin mini. We tease her lots! 🙂
Blue is officially my favourite colour….and purple is second.
Adopted…sister….whatever! I just hope we can eventually end up doing some fun things! 🙂
And on another, more serious note, I noticed your convo with Stephel about the original intent of fraternities and I think the original concept was amazing…..and makes me wonder how they sunk so low and got sooooooo off track from that.
I love that banner. Your blog is very pretty, but of course, what I meant about the pink, was that 'pink is for girls, blue is for boys', old saw. We had five boys, so there was no pink. In fact, it was so much fun when one of my stepsons came to stay with us with his girlfriend. She and I went shopping together and had whole girly day. I was in heaven. I love my sons, but you know, you just can't take them shopping.
I wish I knew how things diminished in the fraternity/sorority set up. So much has changed about education, and the educators attitude toward it, too. I think because it's not associated with the school legally, they feel no responsibility for it and it is run entirely by the kids. It's like a Lord of the Flies kind of thing, almost.
I have been struggling to form a comment for over a half hour since reading your post that moved me to tears. This just breaks my heart. I am so sorry for your loss. I am so sorry for all the parents out there who raise such beautiful children, like your Gregory, and lose them tragically.
Thank you for sharing the joy of Greg's life with us…he will be on my mind and in my heart. 🙂
When I finally got up the nerve after all this time to write about this, I didn't know if it seeing it here would make us feel worse. But, the caring of those those who took the time to write to us and comments like yours have been such a great comfort.It helps to know that others besides us are thinking about Greg. Thank you very much, Tamzen.
Wow, what a shame that they went downhill…
I have no words, only tears. I can not fathom this kind of heartbreak. ((hugs))
Thank you for reading and showing us you care. It helps.
An Interesting post Patricia, I liked the way you touched on some important cultural area's. I too had some experience with the US school system as a child. Coming from Australia and being white and male, did not present any problems for me, I was also a good Rugby player, so this earned me a kind of quoit respect. It was not until many years later that it became apparent to me that there was some very serious problems with the youth culture in the US. My father my uncles and their friends worked for Texas instruments in Australia, and we often spent long periods of time in the US, this meant going to school there. The most striking thing at the time was the way it radicalized all the females of my family. After 6 months in the US schools system, they not only hated the US in general, but their politics shifeted far to the left and permanently at well. Coming from a society that is free and uninhibited and going to one that is so highly structured and divided along lines of gender class and race, was a big change for them, The idea of the morning patriot indoctrination, The anthem and saluting the flag was just the tip of the iceberg, The one thing they all despised and in unison was this notion the all girls could aspire to was to become prom queen, get married to the football guy and live happily ever after was something that was completely contradictory to everything they held dear. Two of them even did become prom queen, without trying and they found they could not even refuse this honor. As for us boys, we seemed to have the whole world laying at our feet, all we had to do was prove that we put loyalty before honesty, and we could become anything we wanted too, which was always a millionaire or so it seemed, Not a very productive ambition. So much for lofty ideals of high science and making the world a better place. In fact if you did show any sign of selfless ambition, you would be regarded as some kind of pinko froot loop. Such a shame, I could never figure out that dichotomy of being an individual and part of the stupid unwashed heard in the US landscape. You said ;;; My problems as a parent have come from several areas. One is that I
literally had no teen years. My parents were very strict. Not allowed
to babysit, no overnight trips with the school, etc. etc., and it kept
me very naive for a long time. This overprotection ended up doing more
harm then good to me personally. I had no experiences with which to
gauge people and I learned many things later and the hard way. As for
my sons, I sometimes cannot relate when they talk about stuff. For
example, when my youngest son told me in high school he was going to a
party,I thought, "Great, this shoud be good for him. Music, friends,
snacks and a few make-out sessions." My husband on the other hand,
grilled him until I learned what he already knew- drugs, alcohol, no
parental supervision and sex with any female who's handy and says
'yes.' That's what a party is. You would think since I
taught high school I would know better. I think this was my weakness as
a parent, but my strength as a teacher. I always believed the best of
my pupils, and somehow they lived up to my image of them for the most
part.Answer. This is an interesting perspective, I wonder how your own parents were brought up. In the old way where kids were booted out of the house the moment the sun rose, and were beaten to within an inch of their lives for any suspected infraction? I was fortunate enough to have known my great grandparents, and they told me many interesting tales of their childhood. My G Grand father always used to say, "Civilization ended we we let children into the house during the day" While the beatings were something that I certainly think did more harm than good in most situations, I wonder if he was not right about this ie Civilization ending. I think the reaon why most of your pupils lived up to your expectations is because people or most people are innately good. When given the choice they will always do the right thing. We are far to suspicious of our fellow human beings. I blame the corporate media for this, and particularly in the US, the lack of any kind of organized media. The sensationalism required to sell ratings has created a culture of fear and suspicion. It has been so long since old Ronnie Reagan destroyed all the organized media, most US cits dont even know what this is anymore. To make the point the corporate media is not the same as the organized media, for example the ABC was organized media until Reagan removed the funding for them. Now they are just a mouth piece for thier sponsors. AP also has a lot to answer for, as do others that goes all the way back to writers like Mark Twain. Never let the facts get in the way of a good story. This can easily be expressed by saying which is the most dangerous. Terrorists, Shark attacks, ladders or room deodorizers. Average Deaths and injuries US citizens per year ;; due to shark attacks, 4; Deaths and injuries due to terror attacks, less than 500. Deaths and injuries due to improper use of room deodorizers, 120,000 ;and to ladders 225,000 So ladders seem to be the most dangerous thing in the US., Conclusion. It is always more interesting to read the comments on these US site than the actual posts, They reveal much more than the poster could ever touch upon, It appears that this is similar to the current circus going on in the US political arena at present. While Americans will wax lyrical about individual politicians, the actual subject of politics is taboo. Watching this game it is amazing to me that in the self proclaimed "world greatest self styled democracy" I have not the slightest idea of what the political differences are between the Parties or the candidates. It appears that the subject of youth culture is also taboo in the US. There is obviously something very wrong with the way these school fraternities, unique to the US , are structured. While demanding conformity they prize individualism above all else, so long as it conforms to a specific ideal. What a warped environment to raise a child in. No wonder their perspective are so skewed. Do you know why these types of subjects are never talked about, and why these problems are allowed to fester without anyone appearing to have the slightest idea of how to address them. I find it strange that the US has all these beautiful universities with the most inspiring latin motto's and almost none of the students has a hope of translating them. They can count, but who teaches them to think/ IF these things are not addressed then eventually the problems will become so large, they will be too difficult to solve, and people will just give up. Surley this cant be the ultimate fate of the US.
This reply is well-though tout and could be a post in itself, you know.
The one thing they all despised and in unison was this notion the all girls could aspire to was to become prom queen, get married to the football guy and live happily ever after was something that was completely contradictory to everything they held dear
Where did you live and where did your sisters go to school and how old are they?
That would have to be factored into your and their experience. The United States is huge and each state of the union is, in a way, like a country in itself. The experience you describe is markedly different to what I experienced in school, say. You mentioned my comments about my upbringing. It was because my parents were so insular and xenophobic, that school became my sanctuary. It was my teachers who showed me all the things a woman could do and become.It was my parents and many the parents of many other first-generation Americans I grew up with who believed daughters should not go to college and should marry as a career ambition. This had to do with their education levels, socio-economics, their background and their sub-culture. School saved many a female from the fate our mothes endured to marry and breed, even if they didn't want to. Those who became 'prom queen' in my particular high school actively pursued that goal and the goal of popularity. This was a personality type and there were boys who pursued it, as well and generally speaking, they peaked in high school and didn't do much from there.(Again, generally)
If you take life in Northern California, for example, where I live now, the subculture is markedly different to what I experienced in New York City, where I was born. Even the education systems of each state have differing priorities, which is why the goverment sets a curriculum that every teacher in public school must adhere to, so that the public education can be more unified. But the mores of the local population, the student body and the teachers themselves will vary significantly. And there are those who don't want their children to go to public school, due to religious constraints, so private schools are where they send their children. Which brings me to my second point:
The idea of the morning patriot indoctrination, The anthem and saluting the flag…
I understand very well your perspective on this. It has validity to me, make no mistake. But I will give you a teacher's perspective on it, if I may. ( I was a teacher for many years in case yo don't follow my blog often and did not know that)
We have something here in the US which I am very proud of and which I hope doesn't fall the way of many of our other civil liberties in the recent past. It is called 'separation of church and state' When I had my first teaching job at a private Christian school in NY, the day started off with a prayer. In public school we do not have prayer, so the pledge is said as a method to set the tone for the teaching day. It reminds the pupils that they are at school and they are to get into school mode. The prayer accomplished the same thing in the private school. We can debate whether this is a good method to 'set the tone' or not, but I can assure you that is what it's purpose was. The pupils would come to school excited and giggly and they were much more subdued and ready to work after the prayer or pledge. Having said that, I was always one who respected my pupils right not to pledge, or to pray, if they so wished. Those pupils were requested to stand silently as the rest of the student body got on with either a prayer or pledge. Why not have a moment of silence for every one, instead, then? Moments of silence were reserved for momentous happenings, such as when the US Challenger fell from the sky. The solemnity of certain events was imparted to our pupils this way. You might not agree this is a good method and I'd be open to hearing other suggestions.
Another point you bring up-
While Americans will wax lyrical about individual politicians, the actual subject of politics is taboo.
With respect, you need to have a wider sample of blogs. This one for instance. I talk about politics all the time and the people who reply are an intriguing mix from many different places, the US included. Search through VOX further- there are any number of Americans writing not only about politics, but about the pros and cons of each candidate's position. I hesitate to direct you to any, they might not agree with my point of view! (Tongue firmly in cheek there)
As for us boys, we seemed to have the whole world laying at our feet, all we had to do was prove that we put loyalty before honesty, and we could become anything we wanted too, which was always a millionaire or so it seemed,
I am dreadfully sorry that was what you experienced. I can think of any number of communities here in the United States, where honesty is vital. My own husband, for instance, about as American as you can get, will turn his car around and head back to the supermarket if he discovers the check-out cashier gave him too much change back. He raised his sons to be the same way. There are honest and dishonest people here in the US just as there are everywhere else.There are also school populations that seem to take on eachother's personalities, whether good or bad. I'm sorry you didn't get a chance to meet any of the good populations.
As for your estimation of the media and the young men's fraternities (sigh) I have to agree with you wholeheartedly there. I feel that my just writing about these things is not enough.
You addressed many other points but I'm going to stop here for now, as I've really got to get back to work, unfortunately. It was very nice chatting with you. Thank you so much for visiting my blog, and leaving this thought-provoking response.
Thank you very much for responding to that, I find it rare that people
in the US are prepared to venture into these subject. As we both do not
have unlimited time, I have done a lot of generalizing here. However It
is hard not to do that when concerning the US as the idea of
proportional representation is not something that appears to be natural
in the US. ie, 51% and I own you. I am from Australia, and the schools
I attended with other peers and relatives were in Frisco and Texas. I
do understand the diverse nature of the US. There are places I love and
could live Like Oregon and other places I despise Like Orlando
florida., Just like in any country. Coming from Sydney I see from the
outside the huge Greek community in Melbourne, and Like most first gen
imigrants, they are more Greek than the Greeks. Melbourne is the
largest Greek comunity outside Greece. So I know where your comming
from there.. Rather than talk about the horror of my Texas experience,
I will refer to Frisco, where I attended a very wealthy private school
for 8 mnths. While there was an active subculture of caring well
informed people, they were still in the minority, and across the
spectrum, the system was still highly structured and far from the free
amnd easy going life style we all grew up with. The morning flag
ceremony as I have said is really just metaphor for all the
indoctrination I came across during this time. In truth it was the
total skewing of history, or the American Historical narative that I
found the most disturbing but by no means exclusively. At the time I
realised there was something deeply suspicious about these calsses but
it was not until I went to UNI studied history and got a few years and
grey hairs that I relized just how deeply destructive psychologically
this all was. Most of it ranged from Bold faced lies backed up with
insignificant factoids to deliberate distortions of provable historical
facts. I guess the point I am trying to make here is that there is a
kind of seed sown here and it leads to the belief of invincibility.
When ever I would question any of the psuedo historical facts, both
then and now, I was met with a canned response. This always comprised
of a question that was the wrong question to ask. for example. Do you
think the US is an insular society. The standard response to
questioning US exclusiveness. The answer is ofcourse no, but the
question is wrong. So when you say no, the quizzer is satisfied that
all is OK and we all believe all is OK and leaves it at that. If this
continues for too long and it seems to have, then you get these huge
problems which are just to big to solve,. Which brings us to the
purpose of yopur post, Why have a fraternity system? it is nothing more
than a relic from Victorian England's private school system. How is it
that there are so many of these imperial relics still functioning in
the US when the rest of the world has long dispensed with them. What
purpose does it serve, amd is this the kind of peer group that US cits
think is appropriate for their children to be exposed too. I hope we can have many more exchanges such as this in the future, as our two countries have so much in common, it is important that we exchange these idea'sfor the benifit of us both. ;; Al Kyder.
You made some thought-provocking observations in this comment. In particular, this is brilliant:
. I guess the point I am trying to make here is that there is a kind of seed sown here and it leads to the belief of invincibility.
My biggest problem with the US is its education system. But, maybe its not a problem at all. Maybe we're meant to be brainwashed by our lessons or bored by them. Maybe the only way for the tax paying citizens to keep paying their taxes, so the politicians can get rich, is for our teachers to limit, rather than develop our young people's strategic thinking skills. I met a fellow from Cyprus who once told me that he loves the US because everything in it is better, the technology, the economic system even the propoganda.It's so good people here don't know it's propoganda. Some of us are catching on, Albert. The US is still a relatively new country. We'll either improve or go the way of the Roman Empire.
I've started to read your blog and …well.
Thank you for this post.
I thought you were kind of a hippie tree-hugger (don't get me wrong, I like trees. it's the tree-huggers I don't care for much) but I see now I was wrong and you're a Patricia. And it's great to begin to know you through your blog.
Thanks for your honesty. It's rare and thus…refreshing and inspiring.
The fact that you said I'm a "patricia" is one of the best compliments you could have given me. Apart from the "smooch" one that is, which I have a feeling, if I weren't married and happily as you point out, I'd enjoy very much and would be happy to reciprocate! ; )
Thank you for reading my blog and for your lovely comments, G.
Hahahah, thank you kindly. I am sure you are right on all counts. Bless you and your "lucky bastard" husband 🙂
XX
I was in that accident with Greg. The last thing I remember is him smiling at me. My name is jimmy hart. I have recently gotten reacquainted with ted helgert, another one of us friends who were in the car. I have been looking into how to go to Greg’s grave the last couple of weeks. I was on yahoo, looking up the day and his name. A picture popped up, and I saw his face. I clicked on the link, and it brought me to this story. My email is jimmyhartiii@yahoo.com. My life, like yours, never was the same after that day. Please reach out.