You’ve dug out the ceramic platter you bought 40 years ago ─ the one with the smiling turkey painted on it. You’ve polished the brass menorah, or fluffed the plastic branches of your pre-lighted Christmas tree. But where are the kids? Once again, your grown children have nothing but excuses to give you for the holidays. Not to worry ─ the instructions below will get your babies back to the bosom of their origins for the annual festivities. All you have to do is modify the steps according to the number of children you have:
1. Stake Your Claim: Loudly inform every child, grandchild, in-law, and sibling at this year’s gathering, “It’s my turn next year.” Have everyone at the table sign an affidavit that they’ve heard and acknowledged this. Then when next year comes, if they renege, that signed paper should hold up in court.
2. Invite Your Single Son First: He’s an easy mark. A bachelor son is always willing to partake of a meal he didn’t have to cook for himself, even if for him Thanksgiving won’t actually be Thanksgiving, but his 25h Annual, “How-Come-You-Never-Got-Married-Are-You-Sure-You’re-Not-Gay”Day.
3. Strike the Youngest Second: By “strike” I mean, “wheedle, cajole and plead.”One of these attempts will get a weary agreement to attend out the youngest because they’re the most likely to still be suffering from unresolved mother issues. So, go ahead ─ tug on the remnants of that umbilical cord. Just be sure to give that grown child money for his or her holiday gift. Therapy is expensive.
4. Hit the Married Daughter Next: Your married daughter wants to spend the holidays with her overbearing mother-in-law even less than she wants to spend them with you. Veiled criticisms of her weight gain and her mothering style which she has to swallow along with her green bean casserole don’t upset her stomach quite as much if they come from a more time-honored source. So if she’s got school age children and a full time job, there’s a good chance you can lure her in with, “Come on─ with all the extra work you have to do for the holidays, do you really want to cook?”
5. Now You’re Ready to Attack the Married Son: The married son is the toughest to snag because that woman he married insists on spending every holiday with “her side.” You need to tell your son exactly this when you phone. Don’t think of this conversation as an invitation but more as a demand for an audience. Remind him of precisely how many times he’s gone to his wife’s family instead of his own; that all his siblings will be at your house except for him ─ again ─ and that the last time you had holiday dinner with him was when you were still coloring your hair. It’s unlikely he’ll agree to come but he will tell his wife and at least then she’ll know exactly how you feel.
6. Bask in the Spoils of War: This is an achievement of which you can be proud ─ most if not all of your offspring are sitting around your holiday table, doing their yearly penance over dried out turkey, store-bought gravy, and canned cranberry sauce.
And after all, isn’t that what the holidays are all about?
My mother is lucky to be graced with my presence EVERY christmas. This is because the alternative is spending it with my mother in law and frankly I’d rather spend the festive season banging rusty nails into my eyes. So every other year Mr V and I spend the year with my family. On the alternate year I spend it with my family, he spends it in the asylum. Or ‘his mother’s house’ as it’s also known.
I remember there was a post about Xmas with Mr. V’s family, and while hilarious, it was also alarming. I see you resolved the issue two years on, but my question is how? How did you get Mr. V to agree to this arrangment, without feeling slighted?
Loved this, Patricia!
Awww, the wonders of family time.
Amen to that, Robin! ; )
You forgot one – promise them all their favourite food!
Good point! : )
I’m silly enough to go to both Tash’s parent’s and my Parent’s and then my aunt’s all on Christmas day… has been that way for 4 years now, which in the age of twitter is certainly enough-time to have it registered with “tradition” status.
Wow. You guys are great! I hope they don’t live too far apart…
So funny! 😀
So funny, but sometimes, TOO true! have a great holiday, Cap!
After Thanksgiving Dinner I took a short nap.. then my mom, brother, sister and I all got together for some Black Friday shopping. While my sister was in line waiting for the way cheap gaming system to go on sale at 5:01 – the rest of us went to an all-night cafe for some breakfast. We were being our loud obnoxious selves when two drunk guys were sat across the isle from us. We ended up talking to them and the one guy responded that shortly after turkey dinner was done at his home he had to leave because he had had enough “FORCED FAMILY FUN”. 🙂
That is HILARIOUS and too true, Joyce! (And how was your holiday?)
It was great. We had tons of “Non-Forced Family Fun”. I received the best Christmas present ever – to keep my 1 yr old neice for the night – then mom and dad (my brother) picked her up and took her home. 🙂
But honestly, all I wanted for Christmas was to have all my family together.. and since most of them are married or in relationships and I refuse to make them choose between my house or the significant others’ family.. I do dinner on Christmas Eve. It makes for a long evening but so worth it. How was yours?
Have a prosperous and blessed year in 2011!
“But honestly, all I wanted for Christmas was to have all my family together.. and since most of them are married or in relationships and I refuse to make them choose between my house or the significant others’ family…”
That’s the Christmas spirit! Kudos to you. We had a situation like that in one branch of the family and the outcome was not as generous. I admire you for it.
Well, I’m glad you had happy holidays and I wish you the very same good wishes for the coming New Year!
I lure my single son with gifts!
Kate- “You catch more flies…” etc! : )