I have been receiving a lot of emails from readers ever since my book, Harlot’s Sauce, was published. The emails have ranged from “good book, but change the cover” (more than one person has said that, and finally the publisher has listened, but more about that later…) to an outpouring of admiration and assignations to me of wisdom and expertise, as in, “You’re SO wise when it comes to relationships. I wish I were more like you.”
And this feels… weird. Because, first of all, a letter filled with adoration received from a person who doesn’t know me is, to paraphrase Amy Alkon, a bit like having a stranger come up to you and give you a foot massage- it feels good, maybe even a little exciting, but at the same time, it’s unnerving. It’s too intimate, too fast. And I haven’t really earned that intimacy with some of the people who write to me. If anyone who doesn’t know me wants to trust me on anything, trust me on this– no one should be wishing to be more like me.
And the part about me being wise? Ha ha. That’s funny. The only thing I’m an expert on- a REAL expert – is FAILED relationships. I have failed so many times at love- whether it’s romantic, sexual, filial, maternal, daughterly, or comradely, that I guess those who send me emails are right- I probably could predict for anyone when they’re headed for tragedy in any of those relationships. But only because I’ve BEEN there- in a big way. So let’s say then that not only do I have that Ph.d in Patrichism, I have also earned my DFR– Doctorate in Failed Relationships. I’m an expert, alright – at breaking my own heart.
My first serious romantic relationship was with a man who used me and my naive virginity, along with my marked lack of self-confidence as his beard for sexual picadilloes I will never repeat, unless they are tortured out of me. I followed that up by worshiping at an altar I created for a man who for decades, considered my dedication to him his ‘money card’. He withdrew on that card, and withdrew, and withdrew, with no re-investment, until finally there was no balance left to extract.
During that same time, I had a ‘best friend’ to whom I was also devoted, and she dropped me not too long after I finally dropped this man. That hurt almost more than the failure of my romantic relationships did, when it finally dawned on me that we’d been ‘friends’ only because my psyche was in worse shape than hers, and my discontent made her feel better about her own.
And there is so much more, with father and mother and siblings and an extended family group on one side that was less a ‘family’ and more a ‘coven’, blood-sworn in their dedication to dysfunction and maliciousness. A cult which cannot admit people who try to be, or are, happy or whole, because somehow that slackens their dark, powerful clutch on one another. I’m talking about the kind of people Anthony Hopkins in some film would warn you to stay away from, unless you were covered in garlic and Crosses.
I developed a terror of getting too close to people generated by all of the above. Why? It was pure self-protection – I only had so much blood in my veins and I’d let those I cared about suck on it for way too long.
As a result of that fear, I screwed up yet again, and almost lost the one man who truly loves me, who is my best friend, as well as my husband and lover. Fear was never going to allow me to make the honest and true friends I do have now, if it hadn’t have been for the intervention of some seed of good sense that managed somehow to grow into the great, sturdy tree it’s become inside me, despite the soil deprived of minerals in which it’s had to blossom. Or maybe it grew because of that, who knows?
And this is me- the real me, without the cleverly written descriptions of my life that make you laugh, the anecdotes which on some days are so tricky to get down on paper – after all, how easy is it, really, to find ‘the funny side’ of your own foolishness and pain?
Why am I confessing all of this now, and in this unusually maudlin way? Simple. I want you to know who exactly it is you’re writing to, asking for advice, and venerating for her ‘wisdom.’ I want you to know that sometimes the only way to become wise, is to make your own mistakes and live through the agony of them, so that the lesson sticks.
Remember this the next time you come across someone who sounds like an ‘expert.’ Because they may have become experts the same way I have – not through success after success, but through disaster.
And you know what? It’s not nearly as bad as one might think, to learn to be wise that way.
I guess you learn from your experiences and so in a lot of ways you ARE wise, or at least you can spot a car-crash relationship when you see it in others. And I get your point on the family as well, my dad’s side of the family are the very epitomy of dysfunctional, in various legal and illegal ways. They have managed to damage most of us in some way and after 15 years we’re only just beginning to mend bridges between a few of us. I don’t think anyone really knows how to get through life successfully and happily, most of us are just bumbling along as best we can, trying not to cock it up too badly and hoping we’re making the right choices. And most us get it wrong a fair amount of the time!
“I don’t think anyone really knows how to get through life successfully and happily, most of us are just bumbling along as best we can…”
Ain’t that the truth! ; D
The only measure I rely on is repeated mistakes. If I don’t double them up then I’m tracking okay. Learning from others mistakes is even better but probably not as memorable.
Making mistakes and learning from them is what an Expert is all about so it sounds like you are well qualified, Dr Pat. I think the letters will keep coming. Next stop, day time TV host!!
I like Vicola’s mention of dysfunctional. Our eldest used to crack us up when we were heading off to family events. “Remember, for all anyone one knows we are not a dysfunctional family.”
Your oldest sounds like someone I would like, Peter!
I’ve always like Gray’s line from the ode ‘Eton College’: “No more; where ignorance is bliss, ‘Tis folly to be wise.”
As we go through life we are able to better discern the difference between a negative decision and a positive one. We gain an understanding of potential causal paths when it comes to our cultural microcosm(s). Those who have experienced more may or may not come away with greater wisdom. But in the end we are only ever capable of making more wise decisions. So, to be ‘wise’ is a goal we might strive to attain, though I believe none can reach it without a complete loss of humility. To practice greater observation, reflection and honesty, will in turn only potentially increase our cognizance, perception and judiciousness in our day-to-day. We might, then, gain an ability to approach things with greater wisdom.
And after all that, Patricia, I have always thought you had a very nice ability to strive for the unbiased. You share your experience to because a collective experience, if a person listens carefully, can be drawn upon for positive decision making by all. At a purely human level this is wonderful.
Anyways, people are going to love you for the simple fact that you tell them a story and you impart experiences to them in a way that they may become emotionally attached to you. It stands to reason that people would take liberties and foist their emotional responses upon you. You *have* earned those responses. It’s all part of being a leader. 🙂
Hope all is well.
Michelle.
I’m well, Michelle, thanks, and I hope you are, too?
I don’t feel “foisted upon” actually, more as though I don’t deserve the accolades. It rings wrong when I know I have made so many mistakes, and still feeling the long-reaching effects of some. And anyone who has read HS knows that I was driving that car straight toward the train all by myself….
I haven’t read it. So I guess I wouldn’t know.
I hope you do someday. Knowing you, you will have a lot of interesting things to say about it and great insight.
Great insight I’m not so sure. I think I just have too many opinions some times. LOL! However, I will read your book soon enough. I’ve not been in a rush simply because I enjoy the snippets you post here in blog-land. I’ve also been immersed in two different fantasy series’ that contain up to seven books each. There’s little time for much else! I love blog reading because I often have just enough time to parse through the short topics. There are a number of highly interesting people out there, and you are one of them.
Hi again, Michelle,
There is some glitch going on with your comments here. It looks pretty, but I can’t reply to your last comment. Malfunctions seem to be a mark of any blopg I have- I wonder if it’s cosmic forces trying to get me to shut up?
; D
What I wanted to say was thank you. Thank you for reading my work, whether it’s book and blog and feeling there is some worth in it relative to your life, a life which I am proud to be a part of, if only peripherally – one artist to another. There hasn’t been a time when I haven’t delighted in something you’ve posted, written, composed, painted, drawn, or said. Your work adds color to my life and it’s a wonderful thing to know my work means something to you, too.
Warmly,
Patricia
Will I get your book in a store here or do I need to buy it online? (Not a fan of online shopping :))
We have been out of touch, haven’t we? I’ve been reading your posts but what with starting work etc. have hardly been online the way I used to. I’ve missed you and this is exactly the kind of wise, truthful and illuminating post that you’re known for.
I, for one, like to learn from the mistakes of others. I am basically a cautious, risk-averse person — not always a good thing, I admit, but that’s my basic personality. Once in a while I step out of the mold and do something completely irrational and unpredictable but mostly I think things through a hundred times over.
Despite all that, and such is life, I have made a whole bunch of silly decisions in my life so far. My only conclusion is that those experiences were necessary. They were not mistakes. They were merely unpleasant lessons I was required to learn. I always like reading your point of view because it reminds me of this — that it’s ok to fuck up and lose your way etc because all of that goes into making you stronger and wiser.
You are pretty darn amazing 🙂 Big hug.
We have lost touch a bit, LC and I think it’s because both our lives have been set at ‘busy’ for a while. I am hoping it’s not permanent.
Sadly, my book is not in retail outlets in India, but there are online India sites where it can be ordered. I know what you mean about online ordering, but there are so many books published yearly that a bookshop would go mad trying to stock them all. What generally happens is that if a book is well-advertised by its publisher, bookshops will order a limited number of copies and when those sell out, the book, unless it’s by a famous author, will be on an order basis. So you can certainly order it in an Indian bookshop, and I hope you go that route, since I love supporting local businesses.
I’m hoping that things are going well with you in your work ,and that all that agonizing and study you did in school is paying off for you. And I have ALWAYS thought you were pretty amazing, also! Sending good wishes and warm thoughts!
Patricia
Hello Patricia,
I have been following your writing for some time and really enjoy them. I’ve never posted a response before.
What I get out of reading your posts is the knowledge and comfort that the mistakes I myself, have made in my life and those that have occurred because of an uncaring and selfish “loved” one are not unique to me. Knowing that you, and many other people have gotten through similar situations keeps me focused on a future and allows me to come up on top, at least most of the time.
I don’t very often ask for advice because, although I’m very passive in finding a solution to my problems, I often know what I want and
manage to get it. However, in the past few years I have experienced many situations, most some kind of loss, in which your writings and those of others have helped me to put a name to my emotions, thus allowing me to become more proactive in finding a solution. Thank you for sharing your life experiences.
Hello, Monica,
Whenever a new reader writes me something like this, it’s appreciated more than you can imagine. Thank you for writing to me and telling me how you feel.
Warmest regards,
Patricia
I really don’t think it matters how we get to become experts on relationships,just because you have been through alot of failed one’s doesn’t mean your any different than the so called top expert in the field. I personally think you are very wise while talking about them,probably even way past your years on relationships. I always learn something I can use after reading your interpitations on the subject and obviously many other people feel the same way so keep up your fantastic writing and I will keep reading whatever you write. I loaned Harlots to my ex-wife last week and she liked it so much she asked me where she could get the next one, I told her it probably will be out soon. Roboter
Hi Craig,
I guess you have a good point. I suppose it would be worse if I didn’t learn from my mistakes, but then I guess I would have nothing to write about, if I didn’t!
I am impressed that you lent HS to your ex-wife. It’s great that you and she are on good terms. I ‘m glad she liked it, too. Thank you for your thoughtful and kind words.
Warm regards,
Patricia
[tig]
I think we’re all experts at failed relationships, whether or not we’d like to admit it. It seems to be good for us though. We learn more about ourselves and more about how other people function (although there are some personalities we will probably never understand, lol!)
Hi, Cap!
“although there are some personalities we will probably never understand, lol!)”
Isn’t that the truth?
Warm regards,
Patricia
Oh, Patricia, wherefore art thou? It’s been over a month with nothing new to peruse. Please gather some thoughts for our enjoyment. Miss you… XO
Kzinti- this was a lovely note to see here. Thank you. I’ve been working on something, but for some reason, it’s taking me a little bit longer than usual!
Was just wondering if we needed to send out the search parties. You know how you get when you start frollicking in the woods. LOL
Kzinti – I have something coming up for you soon- promise!
Hi Pat!
It has been a long time since I logged in and I was reading about how you are doing. Great stuff girl!
We are all proud of an expert who claims no expertise. That is what makes you wise.
I am just about to get back in the saddle after almost a year our setting up a new business so I know how you must be feeling.
Keep going – relentless is the new black it seems
euge
“Relentless is the new black” Love it! Hope your new business is going well. We will touch base soon!
Best to you!
WOW Patricia, im so glad you didn’t screw up again and lose your soul mate. However you did it I think your lucky you came to your senses, if you lost him I don’t know if you could recover from it. Im no stranger from hearing how much you like and love him and truly hope you both end up side by side in the end. Nobody’s perfect, especially me but someday I hope I meet a mate that puts up with my crud as much as yours does,lol. I always have admired you on your blatent honesty about your adventures in life and I truly have learned from your book and web site, Take care
Hey, Craig!
I’m glad I didn’t lose him, too. And I do hope you meet someone who appreciates you also, and does ignore the “crud” side, like you say. We all have some of that! After all, we’re only human….You take care, too…