As the TV ad says, "These things always tell the truth"
Those who read my blog regularly know that when it comes to love and Valentine’s Day, I can usually be pretty sappy. Like in this post here. But this Valentine’s Day, I decided to play devil’s advocate and ask people to please contribute the worst break up or parting line they’ve ever had to hear from a lover. Those of you who read my first book already know what mine was. (“Have you got time to do one more load of laundry before you leave?”) But the ones below top even that. If you’re feeling blue or lonely today, these lines will remind that there are far worse things than being alone on Valentine’s Day. Read ’em, weep, and feel free to add your own:
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Sharon: After becoming a platinum blonde in the 70’s….”Wow ─ you look gorgeous…I told you you’d look good as a blonde. I want a divorce.”
Jessica: “I was thinking maybe you could be the stepmom.” (I’ll let you guess the situation that led him to say that!)
Jeanne: It was Valentine’s Day, and I drove out to Cornell to surprise my boyfriend. I got the surprise. I saw him walking down the street holding another girl’s hand. He saw me, said something to her, and she kept walking. He then crossed the street to me. When I asked him what was going on, he said, “Life’s a bitch” and walked away.
Eat My Heart Out
Mark: “Don’t worry about your money…I’ve already emptied all the accounts.”
Brenda: ”I could never marry YOU … do you know how big your daughter would be??” (Ha! Joke’s on him … had no daughters and my only son is 6’7″!)
Mike: I have two. “It’s not you, it’s me.” (Which it was.) And, “I’ll give you a call soon.”
Tiana: “I’ve been bad. I’ve been seeing Peggy.” (Oh, and he eventually married her, too. …On Valentine’s Day.)
Take another little piece, now, BAY-BEE
Karen: Not the final line, but the one that lead to the inevitable ending: when asked why he was being so mean to me after my mom had just died, my charmer’s response was,“She didn’t *just* die. It’s been nine days.”
Leigh Anne: He worked at a local ski shop. Picks me up on his motorcycle to spend the day riding up Independence Pass. Without hardly a hello plunges ahead with, “I just helped Stevie Nicks buy her ski boots. I think I’m in love…” Proceeds to rave on about her for the next 2 hours… Gahh! I was trapped. When we FINally got back to my place, it was all I could do not to dive off the bike and run screaming for the house! (Ok, so a bit more than a one liner.)
Alexander: All I can remember really is that two or three times they ended with, “But I was hoping we can still be friends”. I hate that line. Seriously, you tear out my heart and expect me to like you for it? If that line ended with “friends with benefits”, I would be very torn. I think I would have an aneurysm after five minutes of standing there thinking very, very hard.
I Have Your Heart. (Feel the pressure on your chest yet?)
Persia: Unfortunately I heard this same line twice ─ “She isn’t half the woman you are, but I love her.”
Dora: “You don’t deserve me, you deserve better.”
Christos: Okay, here goes— (And this beats George Costanza’s ‘It’s not you, it’s me’ line):
She: I met someone else. You guys are so alike. He has 95% of the great qualities that you have!”
Me: But I have 100% of the great qualities that I have!!!
She: Yeah, but…ummm…well, whatever. See ya!
Jerry:
She: I’m pregnant!
Me: OMG! Really!?!
She: It’s not yours…
You've really caught me in your love trap
Carina: “I’m in love with two women at the same time…” (Gag)
Teresa: ”Sorry I didn’t call, but I met up with my ex-girlfriend and we had an erotic experience.” (True story.)
George: …Break up line? 😉
And you…?
“I’m so sorry. It was just a good-bye fuck. I couldn’t help it.”
Omigosh, Sharon. This brings back memories, too…
“I’ve been seeing another girl…er, woman, actually. She’s my age.”
This was from my then-fiance, who was ten years older than me.
And what, because were younger you were NOT a woman? What a jackass. You’re well out of that one. Men still die earlier than women anyway, so YOU try ten years younger next time ; )
Exactly my thought, Patricia!
I’ve had a couple, from a guy I was seeing in my late teens and who I discovered had been doing the horizontal tango with his ex “Well I’ve been with you and I’ve been with her and I think it works better with her”. Yep, you’ve not only stamped on my heart you’ve stamped on my sexual ego too, thanks. And while we’re about it honey, you don’t measure up too well against my ex either. You thought that was real? Bless you.
Then from a guy I’d been seeing for a month and a half in my twenties, “I just don’t think it’s going to work because I don’t seem to know you as well as I knew my ex”. Of course you don’t you half-wit, you’ve been with me for 6 weeks, you were with her for 4 years. You can find out a lot about a person in that extra 3 years, 10 months and two weeks.
As usual, you make even the most tragic things sound hilarious. There should be a special level of hell for the ones who break up by criticising their partner’s sexual skills. It’s just …cruel.
I’ve met (female name) and have seen her for two weeks. I’m gonna’ marry her.
Wow. I hope you weren’t married to this guy at the time. Are they still together, do you know? If so, maybe it was just one of those ‘thunderbolt’ at first sight things. They say it happens, and certainly you deserve far more than being ‘second-best’ in anyone’s eyes….
In college, a boyfriend said one afternoon when I arrived after classes, “It’s time to take inventory and re-stock the shelves.” I was booted out and he came out of the closet! We remained frieds, though, because he had the cutest dog who’d bonded with me.
OUCH!!! I must admit it’s been many, many, many years since I last broke up with someone. We’d just dated a few times so I’m not sure if it counts as a breakup. I moved out of state and didn’t tell her. Hopefully she’s not still waiting outside the movie theater… 🙂
Oh, no, Mark. No, no, no. You bad boy… ; )
Hi Patricia,
I couldn’t find a quick mail for you…
I’ve revamped my blog and wanted to add you to my cool people list…is this site the best one to send them to?
Also, thanks for the blogroll link but it links to my old dead blog. this one is the one I use now.
Now…breakup lines….
One girl just moved all her stuff when I was at work… no actual line…but she was crazy and I was lucky in retrospect.
other than that, I actually think all my breakups were pretty civilised (very painful for both people sometimes, but honest at least) and there was no cheating involved as far as I know anyway…
and most of them were very short lived “relationships” so I’m not sure they count, but some funny moments for sure, a couple of the funnier ones:
1) A girl I was kinda seeing a bit sends me a naked picture of herself then when I called her to say hi (I figured she wanted to see me…) she told me she had met someone now and wasn’t available anymore…ok then…
2) An American woman I quite liked and saw for a few weeks who then turned out to be a burned out party girl. When she fell asleep drunk on me with only a partially completed “oral service” (it wasn’t the first time either. I mean come on…you cum…I cum…not a hard game to play). I woke her up, told her bye, then called a Russian woman I was also seeing (I didn’t hide the fact from either) to meet me at my place. She completed the job. Never saw the American woman again. Who said the cold war is over?
by the way, not sure you know, I got married…pics on the blog 🙂
xx
First of all, BIG Salutations on your marriage! I just had a look over at your wonderful blog and I was so happy to see the red-haired girl is now your wife! It’s been clear to me from the start that she should be the ONE, but us Martian women are very intuitive like that! beautiful photos, beautiful wedding, beautiful life to you both, G! I’ve just subscribed to your blog and will change your URL on my blog roll. My email address, which you now have, as I’ve subscribed to your blog, is patricia@patriciaVdavis.com Yes, this is my blog where I do much of my ranting and I also write quite a bit at my online mag HS Radio http://www.harlotssauce.com
SO absolutely wonderful to hear from you!
Thanks for the subscription!
And you are now added to the cool people list (you’re number one and only on it so far, as I am lazy and cool people are rare!) Thanks on the wedding and life wishes 🙂
I only put up a very small sample of the pics, our wedding was literally amazing. It rained right up to the day itself and Redhead Girl was freaking out as with me being a Martian, there was no “plan B” as she calls it. My simple plan was …”be on the boat, hurricane force weather or not”. As it turned out, the day was brilliant blue, our little speech had people crying and Dolphins came to say hello just before it. An event that I thought had been missed by the photographer, who is a super-cool guy, but had actually been caught on camera by my step-brother.
The Island fortress we went to is usually packed with tourists but as we arrived, the only tour there was leaving so we had it to ourselves. The photographer said it was the only time he took pictures there that he never had to photoshop strangers out of the pictures later. We also had owls follow us all over the place (supposed to be good luck). And dinner was literally too much. We had ordered 6 starters thinking to give the guests a variety to choose from but each “starter” was the size of a large main course. people were literally unable to actually touch the main course when it arrived. We had not taken into account the Brazilian dish sizes. I usually don’t inflict the whole bunch of pics on strangers, and please do not feel obliged to go look, but if you want more nauseatingly cool pics there are like 600 of them here: http://www.ikebottega.com.br/20101218/fotos.html
Yeah, except I am not a stranger. I am your friend, and I am thrilled that you had both had such a wonderful (and lucky) wedding day. Well done, G. I will look at the photos when I wake up in the morning, while drinking my coffee. Going to sleep now.
I’m VERY happy for you both.
Well, I looked at every one of those photos and I even dragged my husband in so he could see them, too. I have honestly NEVER seen more beautiful wedding photos. Each one is a spectacular work of art, the cake as well. These should be in a magazine. What a beautiful and happy looking couple. Many, many blessings to you all.