It’s like talking to that teenager daughter, the daughter who who believes she’s “madly in love” with the most narcissistic asshole of a teenage boy, the boy who, while he loves having her adoration, loves to brag about how much she “adores him,” in reality cares not one whit for her affection or her needs. He manipulates her, uses her, gaslights her, and is generally dismissive of her.
But she doesn’t recognize his abuse. No, in fact, if you try to point it out, she becomes angry or tearful; she goes on the defensive, comes up with a myriad of excuses for why he does what he does. Or she deflects: “So, what? What about you and Dad? Dad’s not perfect either, you know.” She avoids answering direct questions. If you say, “Why did go off with his friends, leave you alone at the party, and you had to call us to come pick you up?” She’ll answer, “That party sucked, anyway,” or, “So-and-so’s boyfriend did the same thing, it’s no big deal.”
You can’t get through, but you can’t let it go, you keep trying, knowing that if you cannot pull her through the cognitive dissonance and confirmation bias, she will eventually end up psychologically, spiritually, physically, and even financially destroyed, and because of your connection to her, she will take you down with her. You too will experience all those same things, and experience the spiral of absolute fury at her and the helplessness in you she has created, to blaming yourself, guilt as you wonder if you somehow caused her lack of self-esteem, her immaturity, her total self-absorption.
No matter what the side effects, how bad the relationship makes you feel, or even how bad the relationship makes her feel, she remains steadfast, stands concrete resolute in her devotion to him, even as her blood, your blood, and the blood of everyone in his wake spills.
The worst part? Deep down, she knows. She knows what he is, she knows what he’s doing. In fact, she doesn’t really love him at all. She just wants him for what he represents to her clique, a clique that’s vital to her: To that clique, he’s the coolest boy in school, and for now, she’s the one he’s chosen. She basks in the reflected power and glory. That is, until he doesn’t need her anymore, and you are left to pick up whatever pieces are left.
Yep. It’s just like talking to that teenage girl.
Oh how I remember those years, that life, that visceral need. I saw a bit of it in myself but mostly I saw it in my sister and in my friends and classmates. A few didnt really survive and nothing significant came from their lives. They didn’t live that long. Manymof their families trashed just like they did. But due to the fact that that was a wholly different time and generation it wasn’t as prevalent then as it is now. I feel reel pain and compassion for the young women of today who have to live up to impossible ideals of beauty, success and recognition in their tight circles. Many times, the parents themselves are to blame for their high expectations of beauty, status and success. It becomes a vicious circle and when their child implodes due to the pressure they wonder why and how. It takes a very strong characters, a lot of self respect and a healthy self image for girls (and boys) to resist the temptation to succumb to such pressures.
Hi, Louna. Your comments are very poignant and in many cases, so true. It sounds like you have some stories you could tell. And it’s not only teenage girls and some of their parents who think and behave this way, is it? In fact, if you read the first sentence and last sentences of this post again, you will see that it’s meant to be a metaphor for something else. 😘