So a number of people have written to ask me for tips for a successful writing life. (Yes, believe it or not, they have. Why they're asking me and not JK Rowling is a puzzle, but there you go.) In response, I thought I'd post my rules for doing that here. In fact, on pretty much every point, the points below are most likely the way I’d lead my life even if I hadn't chosen to be a writer: 1) Work hard. 2) Have a supportive spouse/partner and family. If he/she is not supportive consider that this person may not be the person for you. (I’m serious.) If your family (parents and other relatives) are not supportive, ignore them completely. If your children are not supportive, … [Read more...]
When I Was Eight
When I was eight, in the summertime my mother had to call me in from playing outdoors at least twice before I even acknowledged I’d heard her voice. Then I’d beg her to let me stay outside for a while longer, until she issued dire threats if I didn’t “come in right this minute.” It was only at that point that I would petulantly stomp back into the house. Once inside, she’d grab onto me and try to hold me still as she “pre-cleaned” me before setting up my bath. She knew if she didn’t, my bathwater would turn muddy within minutes of my being placed in it. That was because when I was eight, I played in dirt ─ sat right down in it, made mud with it, dug up some very fine rocks and wiggling … [Read more...]
What’s So Great About Being A Kid?
You know those emails that start with “Remember When…?” I don’t like those emails at all. Not only are they B-movie, nostalgia-in-a-can ─ “Milk delivered right to your door by the milkman!”, “Coca-cola in a glass bottle!” ─ they’re out and out dishonest, albeit in a ingratiatingly syrupy way. They mean to have us remember a reality that didn’t exist, that US life in the 50’s and 60’s was much better than it is today. From my perspective, that’s just not true. Yeah, the air was cleaner then, portions were smaller then and people were leaner then. Blah blah blah. But am I the only one who remembers this: Or, this: Besides the racist and sexist actualities which … [Read more...]
Breaking Up is Hard to Do — Especially if You’re a Schmuck
Those who read my blog regularly know that when it comes to love and Valentine's Day, I can usually be pretty sappy. Like in this post here. But this Valentine's Day, I decided to play devil's advocate and ask people to please contribute the worst break up or parting line they've ever had to hear from a lover. Those of you who read my first book already know what mine was. ("Have you got time to do one more load of laundry before you leave?") But the ones below top even that. If you're feeling blue or lonely today, these lines will remind that there are far worse things than being alone on Valentine's Day. Read 'em, weep, and feel free to add your … [Read more...]
Yes, Things are Changing—Deal with It! (Or, What I Learned in New York City)
This weekend, I had the pleasure of being in New York City, which despite the January onslaught of snow and wind, is always a wonderful place to visit. I was speaking at The Writer’s Digest Conference, and when I tell you it was an honor to be doing so, I don’t say that just so the organizers will read this and think I’m gracious. (But I hope they do.) I say it because the speakers were amazing, and I feel I learned more than I taught. But the two paramount things I learned, the two most fantastic things, were not taken away from any one particular talk or speaker. Here they are: 20-somethings and 30-somethings are marvelous, and the salvation of the human race will come from our advances … [Read more...]
How to Get Your Grown Children to Visit at the Holidays (A Satire)
You’ve dug out the ceramic platter you bought 40 years ago ─ the one with the smiling turkey painted on it. You’ve polished the brass menorah, or fluffed the plastic branches of your pre-lighted Christmas tree. But where are the kids? Once again, your grown children have nothing but excuses to give you for the holidays. Not to worry ─ the instructions below will get your babies back to the bosom of their origins for the annual festivities. All you have to do is modify the steps according to the number of children you have: 1. Stake Your Claim: Loudly inform every child, grandchild, in-law, and sibling at this year’s gathering, “It’s my turn next year.” Have everyone at the table sign an … [Read more...]
A Boy, a Girl, and a Fountain
Fontana di Trevi The spring I turned twenty-two, I was desperately trying to recover from a ravaging love affair that had changed me from a girl who was somewhat confident for her age and mostly happy, to one who was completely demoralized. It was not only the relationship itself, but the reactions to the demise of the relationship by friends and family who I thought I knew that made me lose all trust in my perceptions of people. And so, I stopped caring about anything at all. I was walking, eating, breathing, but I wasn’t really living. On I went like that for a while, truly believing that was how I was going to exist for the rest … [Read more...]
Just One More Thing to Worry About
Gwen Conliffe and Lon Chaney Jr. “What are you thinking?” Men say they cringe when women ask that question, because very often they’re thinking “nothing.” What they probably don’t understand is that most women can’t imagine what it’s like to be thinking ‘nothing’. Much to our chagrin, we’re always thinking ‘something’, and more often than not, that ‘something’ has a worry attached to it. I thought I’d grow out of my penchant for worry, but I finally have to come to terms with the fact that that will just never happen. My knack for worrying hasn’t diminished one whit; it’s only adjusted itself for my age bracket. Instead of staring in the mirror at my outfit, worrying … [Read more...]