You’re going to see your family for the holidays again this year. You don’t know why you’re doing it, because every year you feel as though you’ve visited a level of Hell Dante forgot to mention. Every year your therapist gets a call on December 26 for an emergency session in which you swear to him or her you’ll never spend another holiday with “those people” again. But for some reason, you’re still not ready to emancipate yourself from this torture and so, every year that promise goes right out the window along with your diet, your hard-earned independence and your meager self-esteem.
But I’m here to help. I’m here to remind you that Christmas dinner is after all, just dinner and not the one and only opportunity you will ever have to straighten out your family’s screwed up perspective on the universe, your country’s foreign policy, health care, Phil Robertson, or you.
The cheat sheet below is a guide to how questions aimed at you during your visit should be answered. Answering questions as suggested will have one of two effects ─ it will shut everyone up and allow dinner to be slightly more bearable this time around, or it will provide you with the entertainment value of watching everyone’s heads explode like the scientist in Scanners. Tear it out and keep it handy while you’re with your family ─ right next to your bottle of Prozac would work ─ and refer to it when they begin the barrage questions that usually lead to a meltdown. IMPORTANT NOTE: All answers below should be delivered with your warmest, most sincere smile. You can do it. Practice in front of the mirror.
Category One: Questions About Your Appearance
- As a matter of fact, I have gained weight. Thank you for noticing. I’ve been working really hard at it.
- As a matter of fact, I do have a food disorder. I just threw up in your bathroom. I hope those weren’t your good towels.
- As a matter of fact, I have had work done. Hang on ─ I’ve got my cosmetic surgeon’s card here somewhere. They’re having a special. Tell him I sent you.
Category Two: Questions About Your Sex Life
- As a matter of fact, I am gay. But don’t worry, it’s not contagious. (Note: this reply about your sexuality should be used whether you are indeed gay or aren’t.)
- I agree. I shouldn’t have married him/her. It was a terrible choice. (Yes, say this even if your spouse is at dinner, too.)
- No, not dating anyone yet, but my therapist says I’m making progress with my (PICK ONE) obsession with my cat/fixation on Justin Beiber, so I should have a profile up on Match.com any day now.
Category Three: Questions About Your Career
- I absolutely agree. It was a terrible career choice.
- I absolutely agree. It was a great career choice, but as you say, I should have been promoted by now.
- I absolutely agree. I’m never going to (PICK ONE) write that screenplay/finish my book/sell my paintings. That’s why I drink.
Category Four: Comments/Questions about Religion, Politics, Social Perspectives
- I absolutely agree. Paul Ryan is terrible.
- I absolutely agree. Paul Ryan is wonderful.
- You’re so right, turkey isn’t really meat. But I think I want to save room for pie.
- You’re so right, eating meat is murder. I cry every time I do it.
- No, I don’t mind saying a prayer even though I’m an atheist. Let’s do all the verses.
- You’re absolutely right. I should convert. Did you bring any pamphlets?
- You’re absolutely right. I am foolish, naïve and a blight to mankind because I believe in God. What was I thinking? I guess I wasn’t.
- I absolutely agree. I’ve done a miserable job as a parent. Just look at those kids ─ they’re monsters.
And finally
- The meal was lovely. The day was wonderful. Thank you for having me/us over. See you next year.
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