Ahhh, the holidays, when anyone with any neurosis, addiction or quirk at all, has the excuse to really go hog wild with it.
Let’s see…what have we got?
1) The Control Freaks
What they say: “I want my relatives to come to my house for this holiday but, I’m going to do things my way and let’s just hope everyone enjoys it.”
What it means: “Through familial obligation and their spirit of generosity, I’ve managed to trap my family into spending the holiday with me at my house. Now I’m in charge and I’ll finally be able to teach them the difference between the right way(mine) and the wrong way (theirs.)”
2) The Frustrated Martha Stewarts
What they say: “Who decorated the cookies like that? Do you people think this is a joke? Can’t I get a little cooperation around here? Do you want to have a nice Christmas or not?
What it means: “I feel like a loser. This is my one chance each year to impress my friends and relatives and if I succeed, I can finally be impressed with myself.”
3) The Gloom-and-Doom Blokes
What they say: “You know, I just don’t get the holidays. I mean – what’s to celebrate? There are people suffering everywhere. It’s all to make money, anyway. It’s just so phoney.”
What they really mean: “Spawning misery makes me feel alive. You’re too happy today. We need to fix that.”
4) The Miss-the-Point Perfectionists
What they say: “That’s the gift you got for so-and-so? I really don’t think that was a wise choice.”
What they really mean: “Gosh, I hate Christmas. I don’t know why, I just do. Do we have to have it?”
5) The Guilt Generators
What they say: “You know, this might be the last year I’m around for this holiday.”
What they really mean: “I realise I’ve alienated you to the point that I can’t get you to spend any time with me at all unless I emotionally blackmail you.”
6) The Compulsives
What they say: “Oh, come on, why shouldn’t we eat this/smoke this/buy this/ drink this? It’s a holiday. Why can’t you let us enjoy ourselves?”
What they really mean: “I’m obsessive and out of control. I’m looking for an excuse to go down and take you with me.”
7) The ‘Jaded’ Ennui Couple
What they say: (bored tone of voice) “Oh. You’re wearing jack-o-lantern earrings. I guess today’s Halloween.” (eye roll)
What they really mean: “It’s terribly important to us that others think we’re ‘hip’ and ‘sophisticated.’ To achieve that, we won’t find anything amusing ever, so that when we die, our tombstones can say, ‘We were the coolest.’”
8) The ‘Saved’ Ones
What they say: “I think we should all join hands and pray before we eat.”
What they really mean: “I’m better than you. I’m going to Heaven and probably, sadly, you’re not.”
It took me more than forty years to develop the following list of holiday rules that I now follow faithfully, when plagued by the people above. They haven’t steered me wrong once. I recommend them to everyone:
1. To “The Saved Ones” – I pray when I want to pray, where I want to pray, how I want to pray and if I want to pray. People who try to force me to pray when I don’t want to, are guilty of “religious rape.”
2. To the “Jaded Ennui Couple,” “The Miss-the-Point Perfectionists” and the “Gloom and Doom Blokes” – I have FUN on holidays because life is short. I have fun for the people who, in this crap-shoot called ‘life,’ can’t have fun, because they’re too sick, too poor, or too busy trying to escape bullets. I have fun because I’ve been blessed with much and to deny that by being gloomy would be a worse sin than not praying at the dinner table. So, bugger off.
3. To “The Frustrated Marthas” – If you have the meticulously decorated Christmas tree, the beautifully prepared meal and the well-set table, I might notice or I might not. But if you’re harassed-looking, in a sour mood and your children and spouse flinch whenever you say their names, I’d definitely notice that. One definition of the word, ‘holiday’ is, “a day free from work that one may spend at leisure, a halting of general business activity to commemorate or celebrate.” Which means we’re supposed to do what we like. And I know for sure that years down the road, what grown children mostly remember about holidays growing up, was whether there was happiness and laughter or…not.
4. To “The Compulsives” and “The Guilt Generators” I’m remorseful about of a lot of things, but not spending enough time with people who are mean, manipulative or abusive, just because it’s a holiday, just because we share the same DNA, or just because I labelled you ‘friend,’ is not one of them. I donated to that self-destructive charity drive for many years, until I finally ran out of blood. Now I spend not only holidays, but all of my life with only those who appreciate and respect me.
5) To “The Control Freaks” – When you’re invited to my place, I’ll do all I can to make you feel welcome and comfortable. When you invite me to yours, I hope you’ll do the same. If you have special rules like, “we only serve tofu,” “no alcohol” or “no shoes,” please tell me ahead of time, so I’ll know what to expect. Don’t prepare food you know I don’t like or can’t eat and then tell me to “just try it.” If this happens too often, I might just bring my own sandwich. Don’t ask annoying questions that masquerade as ‘interested’ ones, like, “Why aren’t you married yet?” “Why did your son get a tattoo?” If this happens too often, I might just tell you to “mind your own business.”
Yup, enjoying the holidays takes self-confidence and self-discipline. Every year, starting about now, we get to practice those.
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"Religious rape" is the best term anyone has come up with in a long, long time! Absolutely wonderful post.
Xmas comes but once a year. Now that's worth giving thanks for…
Testify!
Very inspiring holiday rules there. I think our family X-Mas draws a number of those types out. It's a "tradition", sure, but… as you say above, I'd rather the holidays were fun and relaxed, not laced with guilt and self-imposed stress.
This deserves greater circulation. I like to have fun on Christmas, and enjoy being around other people who are dedicated to that proposition.
Yes, itis religious rape. Have you ever felt like this? My favourite uncle passed away unexpectedly last year. We had a wake and several of us got up to speak about him. It was such a nice tribute to him until somene that wasn't even really close to the family got up to speak and kept us prisoner for at least twenty mnutes while he 'witnessed; us. "Raise your hands if you love Jesus!"etc. etc. How were people supposed to respond without being horribly rude? What could my cousins do at their father's wake,no less? We were trapped until he decided he'd done enough of 'God's work' and got off the podium.
Do I take this comment to mean you are also not a fan?
I've had some really horrible 'holiday' experiences with certain family members, but because holidays are supposed to be 'family days' I kept going back every year for more torture. I finally realised, "do I really have to follow this rule? What's going to happen if I don't?" My stomach problems disappeared miraculously.
Huzzah for the plain speak! You must know my extended family! hahahaaa
Great! Come to our place. We're dedicated to that proposition, too. (as long as you don't force us to pray at the table..)
Ah. I thought that was you sitting at the other end of the dinner table, being pawed by drunk "Uncle Fred"….
i'm kind of compulsive! but not a mean one!!! i don't try to take anyone down with me!!!! hehe… :)gosh, i LOVE the holidays… i love them even more now that i've got my little family. 🙂
Okay, you're compulsive, but do you critique Xmas cookie decorations? I hope not(hee hee) Yes, Xmas will be so much fun at your house this year, because it's the first year Mia will really notice and enjoy all the activity. The Xmas tree, the presents etc. I can;t wait till you write about it. I will enjoy it all vicariously. : )
You do. Xmas long ago lost any religious significance for us. These days we just like to have the kids home, and have a quiet day.
Excellent writing, as usual.
hahaha RIGHT ON!
Good timing, especially #4 to the guilt trippers. Holiday 2005 was the turning point for me. I realized they had no idea who I really am and aren't interested in finding out. Are they ever mad that I won't keep up the charade anymore! oh well…
That's really the whole point o fthis post. A holdiay should be exactly what we want it to be, not a 'stage' set by someone else, whether it be an organised religion, a retail marketing department or a bunch of people we happen to be related to. My favourite part of any holiday is spending time with my children.I love it whenver it happens, because the older they get, the more difficult that is to manage, especially as they are scattered in several states…
I hear you. It hurts, but there are people who do care even if they're not 'blood'
Thank you. I hope you enjoy your holidays…..
Thank you, friend. I return the compliment. ; )
I've never understood people who are obsessed with having a "perfect" Christmas. Have you ever read Maeve Binchey's collection of Christmas short stories? It's called "This Year It Will Be Different" or something like that, and some of them are hilarious takes on what happens when perfection is the goal.
You and I have a lot of reading to catch up on. We seem to be reading completely different things. I'll have to pick up that collection. My mum was a perfectionist Christmas psycho freak. As a result, we all spent every Christmas miserable. But to tell those tales of woe, I'd have to pay you a skyhigh hourly rate to listen. One thing about being able to do my own brand of Xmas now,is that I can make it genuine fun. It's not 'perfect', but everyone seems to enjoy it.
The best time at Christmas is enjoying the warmth of family and some good friends, music, laughter and lots and lots and lots of food. While I enjoy it immensely, I try to share this warmth with those I know. I remember Christmases at my maternal grandmother's where she had a small tree, but a huge heart and offered good Italian food as well as her love. I know when I am trying to do too much at Christmas time, I lose sight of what really matters and I also know it is time to stop if I get cranky at my husband or anyone else. You make a good point. Christmas should be fun. We recently all would congregate at my Dad's when he was alive. It didn't matter who got what for Christmas but that we were together and enjoying every minute of it. I think you captured it all in your blog with a lemon twist of humor. I also enjoyed the Christmas picture of Dale and Frank. Thanks for this!
It's definitely who you are with that makes a holiday. Seems we're all in agreement on that.
I *wish* that Christmas was only 2 weeks long.
Instead I deal with it being 3 months of hemmoraging money.
Everyone calls me a grinch for that opinion…
So I go out to work until 2 weeks prior.
Then I come back and enjoy myself.
I have to say, that's the one thing about Christmas I've never cared for, either. The need to spend, spend, spend. I love having family, friends over, I love the special foods, I love to make cookies and gingerbread houses, (one year my sister-in-law and I made 25 of them. We had a blast. ) But the presents, unless they are for the kids, just seem kind of superfluous and silly somehow, especially if they are so extravagant that people give themselves financial problems. I guess we're just Scrooges, you and I.